Interview With a Female Cheater Volume 1 Chapter 2

Editors Note: TWW decided to forgo Guest Blogger Fridays in favor of posting Chapter 2 of our interview with a female cheater. Moving on...

Before you read the remainder of the interview, check out Volume 1 Chapter 1 first. 

Belvedere: How long did it last?

Pink Panther: 8 months.

Belvedere: 8-6=2. So you mean to tell me you managed to stop having sex with your boyfriend, who you were living with, for two months and he thought that was ok? *side eye*

Pink Panther: We were still intimate for the first 6 months of the affair but yea for the last 2 months I convinced my bf I wasnt in the mood. I felt like he knew but he didnt know how to approach me about it. He later told me I was the first woman who ever cheated on him. Thats one hell of a first huh?

Belvedere: Did Marcus have a girlfriend or someone else?
Pink Panther: He didnt. It made things a little less complicated. 

Belvedere: Would you have started the affair if he had a girl?
Pink Panther: Heck NO! I stay away from men with girlfriends. Women are crazy for their men. 

Belvedere: Were you afraid of getting caught?
Pink Panther: I didnt consider it because I thought I was too smart to get caught. I thought about all the things people do to catch their mate cheating and I covered my tracks: Marcus was saved as Marsha in my phone; if he needed to call me while at home, his sister called first; I kept up our date nights and all that stuff. I was an actress and if my life were the Truman show I'd get an Oscar! *laughs*

Belvedere: Why did it end?

Pink Panther: The novelty of it wore off. It became too much work. Too much lying and sneaking around. I started to feel dirty. I was paranoid about who knew. I was scared my bf would find out from someone else. I was petrified of coming home one day and he had found out. I wasn’t emotionally involved anymore because I felt so guilty.

Belvedere: How did it end?
Pink Panther: I ended it. I switched jobs. I met with him one last time and broke ties. I also changed my number & convinced my boyfriend we should move. I found a good deal on a new apartment but the reality was I was afraid someone might show up to our apartment while I was away and tell my bf. We lived in a gated community but we all know there is a way around even the best security gates. 

Belvedere: Do you think Marcus loved you?

Pink Panther: Yes. People might say I'm stupid to think he had feelings for me knowing I had a man at home, but at the time I truly believed he cared for me. Our relationship (if you wanna call it that) was not just a sexual connection, it was emotional. We could sit for hours without saying a word and I would leave feeling like I had just left a therapy session. Sometimes I just wanted to sit and listen to his heart beat. Towards the end he pressured me to leave my boo but I resisted. I think there was love between us. A forbidden love. If I saw him today I think I would still get butterflies.

Belvedere: Did your boo ever find out? 

Pink Panther: Like I said before, I think to a certain extent he knew already. I couldn’t continue our relationship knowing what I had done so I went to him one day and confessed. I wanted him to decide whether he wanted to go on. My speech started like those people on Maury "You know I love you right?..."

Belvedere: Say it aint so! He must have been heartbroken!

Pink Panther: He was. I had known this man half my life and I had never seen him cry. That night he cried like a baby. He kept asking was it because of something he did wrong. Like that "maybe I deserve song" ya know? He said he could forgive me so we tried to work it out. We ended it because I couldnt forgive myself. I couldn’t be intimate with him anymore. I will never forget his words "I was a good n**ga to you and you lied to me. I don’t think I can ever trust another female again. Congratulations, you just messed it up for every woman after you!" That crushed me. We ended it once our lease on our new spot was up.

Belvedere: Are you afraid of how people will judge you? 

Pink Panther: I used to worry so much about what people think about me. Now I don’t care. I was young. I made mistakes. Now I've been on both sides of an affair and I pray karma is done with me. I'm not ashamed of anything I've done. I've since told all my girlfriends about the affair.

Belvedere: If you could describe your experience in one word...
Pink Panther: STRESSFUL!

Belvedere: What advice do you have for women who are cheating or are considering having an affair?

Pink Panther: I would tell them not to do it. If I had the chance to do it all again I'm not sure if I would do it over. I learned a lot about myself through the affair-lessons I might not have known otherwise. BUT I also hurt a lot of people along the way. Everyday I have to live with the fact that I ruined a great black man because of my selfish ways. Now every woman he dates after me will experience heartbreak. I wouldnt wish that on my worst enemy.

There you have it folks!

What does Belvedere think? People cheat because there is someone there to cheat with them. Read between those lines. 

The Pink Panther will be online from 12pm-5pm TODAY ONLY as "Pink Panther" to answer any questions and respond to any comments you may choose to share.  Seize the opportunity to ask questions you've always wanted to ask! Tell a friend! 

Again I ask, how do you feel about a female who cheats? Is it "different" because of double standards or is a cheating woman just as low down as a cheating man? Tell Belvedere how you feel... 

Posted by Belvedere

Interview with a female cheater Volume 1 Chapter 1

Editor's note: Since life happened for my fellow bloggers, Belvedere is taking over TWW for the rest of the week. 

We hear so much about the male side of cheating but we don’t hear often enough about why women cheat. We tend to be a little better at it than men and we tend to have different reasons for cheating that include such things as emotional support & filling a void not occupied by her own spouse. 

Since This Woman's Work is all about dating from a woman's perspective, Belvedere recently interviewed a female cheater, read below for what she had to say.

  

Belvedere: I guess the obvious question on everyone's mind is why did you cheat?

Pink Panther: I thought about this question so many times and there is but one answer that has satisfied me: I was selfish. Everyone who cheats is selfish. I wasn’t happy but instead of walking away, I wanted to have my cake and eat it too. In my case, I had 2 whole cakes and I wanted them all to myself. I was selfish. Plain and simple.

Belvedere: How did the affair begin? Who initiated it?

Pink Panther: We worked together. I cant deny how attractive I thought he was. One day we were assigned to the same workgroup so I had to talk to him. Our group went to lunch together that same day and we hit it off then. We started just going to lunch together and then hanging out after work. Then we started talking on the phone and I started sneaking out. I wouldn’t say one person pushed it more, I think it came from us just enjoying each other's company.

Belvedere: I'm assuming it became sexual so tell me how long it took for ya'll to start humping like rabbits?

Pink Panther: At first I went to Marcus for emotional support. He was there for me to listen when my man wasn't. My guy was working two jobs at the time and he was under a lot of stress. Our relationship was vulnerable. His demeanor changed and he wasn’t as attentive as he used to be. Immature I know. Over time my friends and I had kinda grown apart so I really didn’t have any other people to confide in who I could trust. You know how sometimes you have things to say that you don’t even want your family to know? [Pause] It was like that.  About 6 months passed before we had sex. We "met" at least 3x a week.

Belvedere: Was it "good"?

Pink Panther: Ooooh girl it was amazing. His stamina and his girth are up there with Mr. Marcus. That’s what I called him. Marcus definitely made my toes curl every single time. Not that my guy wasn’t great, but he wasn’t Mr. Marcus in the bedroom either.

Belvedere: Were you worried that it would become a one night stand?

Pink Panther: Not really because we had become great friends and we worked together so I knew more opportunities would present themselves. Once we had our first sexual encounter, I stopped having sex with my boyfriend. Marcus & I always used protection, but the thought of having sex with 2 men just felt like it would make it a reality to me.  I always had excuses like I was tired or I had a headache or I didn’t feel like it. He pretended to understand but I think he knew. That made me feel terrible. But not terrible enough to stop. 

Belvedere: Tell me one of the lies you told to get out with Marcus.
Pink Panther:  He wanted to see me on a Saturday afternoon. My boo and I were off that day so we had to get creative. We told his sister to call me at 3pm and I made sure I was in the shower so I could tell my bf to answer my phone. His sister (my new best friend) called claiming she was stranded 30 minutes outside of town. I threw a fake silent fit that only my boo could see. She delivered her lines perfectly. Through him, she told me she was desperate and that no one else answered but she had to pick up her daughter before the daycare charged her late fees. That meant I had to leave immediately. She went on to beg me to come get her. I knew he would feel sorry for her so he recommended that I go and talk to him on my way there. I pretended I arrived to the daycare and told him I would call him back. We finished off the first round & I called my bf an hour later and told him I agreed to take her to Super Wal-Mart.  That got us more time for another round.

Belvedere: You had it all planned out huh?

Pink Panther: You don’t know the half of it. All of our stories were focused on maximizing the amount of time I could get away. When I got home 5 hours later with no groceries in tow I immediately started a rant about being sick of people using me. Instead of questioning where I had been he agreed with me. It was raining so that gave me an excuse to take a shower  as soon as I got home.  There was also a time when we went to a play together. I was in sweats so he bought a whole ensemble for me down to the shoes & fresh undies. His sister did my hair real fancy & I just messed it up & changed back into my sweats before I went home.

Belvedere: Juicy! Did you share your stories with your friends?

Pink Panther: I know this sounds crazy but I didn’t. As much fun as he and I had together, at the end of the day I felt shameful. I was mistreating a man whom I know loved & cared for me deeply but I just wasn't happy. I never let Marcus meet any of my friends but he introduced me to his family including his mother & father. When I felt like I couldn’t tell my friends, I grew ashamed of myself. I felt like a common whore. I started to try to find things wrong with Marcus. I felt stupid and I knew my girlfriends would tell me how good I had it at home. It was true. I had a great man at home and I was throwing it all away on a dumb fling.  I thought knowing about the affair would change their opinion of me and I didn’t want that to happen.

 Interlude.

Men lie. Women lie. 

Tune in tomorrow for Chapter 2. 

How do you all feel about female's who cheat? Are they any different from males who do the same thing? Are women really better at cheating than men? Do you know someone like Pink Panther? Give it to me straight.

Posted by Belvedere

It's Just--- (Sex)---That I'm Not Worth Your Time

Recently I caught an episode of the Trya Show. The show was all about cheating and one thing stuck in my mind... "Women are more understanding if a man just has sex with another woman..rather than having an emotional connection with that woman." To that I shout a resounding Bull Crap...I never really understood the "it's just sex" excuse. There is no doubt women have less of an emotion filter when it comes to sex..but for guys to use their ability to have sex and not become emotionally attached as a reason for their women to take them back is ludicrous.

I have yet to hear of any woman that ended her relationship with her man because he cheated on her emotionally...nor have I heard of any men that broke up with his boo because she is an emotional cheater. However, I have heard of men and women talking to their mates asking for more of an emotional connection. I have heard of women pleading with their men to open up more...men pleading with their baby's to stop crying and tell them what's wrong. Men and Women break up in these circumstances because their mates had intercourse outside of their relationships.

When a man say's "it's just sex" a woman hears:
I'm untrustworthy
I'm a liar
I don't care about your feelings or this relationship
I have no self-control
I'm the wrong person to build a future with

Although a man's infidelity screams everything listed above, many women choose to understand, forgive, and move on with the same man. Truthfully, I believe this phenomenon goes beyond "I love him" and hits on the very nature of a woman. As women we are nurturers, comforters, and no matter how hard we try we want to forgive these fools when they come crawling back with their "baby I'm sorry...it was just sex...you know my heart belongs to you."

That excuse just doesn't fly, because it's not just sex..it's what your decision to have sex outside the relationship signifies. So it really comes down to the non-cheating spouse to make the decision. People show you who they are and it's not always verbal...it's up to you to actively pay attention and make decisions that is to your benefit.


Posted by Straight Shooter

Caution: Beware of the B*ITCH!

Caution: Throughout this post I will use the word bitch in a tongue-in-cheek way. I don't normally curse like a sailor but I digress. Moving forward...


A bitch is a word used to describe a strong woman who has her own identity and is secure with who she is. She does not need a man to complete her. She is independent and has a healthy spirit to enter a positive relationship. It is not about being mean, it is about asserting what you want and going after it.

Let me tell you something you may not know about Belvedere...she is a bitch. She's proud of it. She is a bitch when it comes to everything in life. Not the kind of bitch you hate but the kind of bitch you make your best friend. She is the one who gives it to you straight and you know its all in love. She refers to herself as a "bad bitch" without hesitation. Her best female friends and her sisters are her bitches. She speaks of herself in the third person. She doesn't play well with insecure bitches. She loves the kids. How u doin?

Listen up ladies & zesty men! Don't allow your S/O to run over you. You will be tested.
You may get manipulated into keeping a relationship casual even when you have expressed your interest in wanting "it" to become more serious.

He may be keeping you around because he doesn't want to see you happy with another man.

People will treat you how you let them treat you for as long as they can get away with it.

Note: These rules only apply during the chase. Once he says “Honeybunny I want an official RELATIONSHIP with you," all bets are off and you can make room for compromise. Before that happens, being a bitch will show a guy that you are not to be confused with a pawn in his dating game. If you show weakness play that nice girl sh*t  trust when Belvedere says he will take advantage of your obvious weakness. You will be robbed of time, self esteem and your kitty will never be the same.

Belvedere used to be a nice girl but since being a bitch is so much more fun, she will share the 3 rules bitches play by.

1. Assert yourself. You exchange numbers and his first reaction is to send you a text or IM. If she doesn't like texting she will ask him to call her. She will play his game of texting all night. If she wants a phone conversation she will ask for one.

2. Don't drop everything for a man. If its 10pm and he's asking you to come over and watch a movie, it could be well after midnight before you're home and after 1am before you're ready for bed. Let him know you need your beauty rest and ask him to reschedule at a time more convenient for you. Don't let him become your only priority.

3. Call him out on his bullsh*t. If he does something out of left field call him out on it immediately. If he tells you wildly inconsistent stories call him out. Remember you train people how to treat you. If you let him slide with bullsh*t once, he will take it and run a whole football field. If you keep letting it slide, before you know it both of you are covered in deep doo doo.

The bottom line: Make sure your man knows he has a strong, confident, beautiful and secure woman on his arm. The dating game is not for the weak at heart. Have a game plan and stick to it. Belvedere is here to give it to you straight and to help you find what works for you.

Please note: I can call myself a bitch. You cant. See generally, a Negro's explanation for why yt people are forbidden from using the N-word while referring to dear friends as our n*ggas.

I love my bitches! 

                   

Posted by Belvedere

LOST: Black Love

House Keeping: Hello TWW world thank you for all the love and support...it's truly appreciated. We want to hear more from you, so feel free to comment if you like, love, or completely disagree with any of our posts..share your point of view. We would love to hear from you....thank you to those who have left comments.

So i decided to tackle the black love issue (or lack thereof) that is being heavily discussed on our blog this week and in the blog world. The question of why we don't see relationships like our parents and grandparents anymore and why aren't people staying together like they use to? has definitely been a hot topic.

I believe the reason black love is lost and may never return in the numbers of old is because of one simple phrase "on to the next one." Both men and women aren't putting up with the same stuff that our parents and grandparents did in the past. In fact people are getting millions in alimony for not putting up with poor treatment/decisions of their mates.

Our society has also changed; allowing women the financial freedom to leave a spouse or partner that she believes treats her poorly. There are books, talk shows, magazine articles, and blogs (winks) focused on informing both men and women that they deserve someone who makes them happy and what they should and shouldn't accept from their partner's.

Don't get me wrong I'm not encouraging anyone to stay with someone who treats them horribly (well your personal definition of horrible) I'm just saying times have changed. I'm not entirely sure if i would prefer the time where you stuck out a relationship through the pain...(but I'm sure i can argue both sides of that point..will maybe in a later post)

Another factor that plays a role is the influence of the media (blame the media)...seriously never in the history of man has so many relationship problems been public knowledge...between talk shows, magazines, and the internet we see so many examples of how relationships fail...it just seems to me that the human race has grown tired of each other.

 Everyday people find reasons why they shouldn't be together rather than focusing on how to get back to the place that made them want to be together (I'm in a loving mood today so I'm just gonna go with it..lol). However, what baffles me is that despite the constant barrage of what people should and shouldn't do in a relationship...the same mistakes are made everyday leading to break-ups..but I digress.

Ok ....

Lost: Black Love

Reward: Wonder and Amazement

So is anyone out there living the epitome of black love...Share your love with the world (wink at Bourgeois on that one)

 Posted by Straight Shooter

The One Who Got Away

"He was supposed to be my husband."

"She was supposed to be my wife."

Remember her? She was sweeter than honey with a bit of an edge. She was the most beautiful person you've ever seen. A certified beauty with her own unique style. She encouraged you to follow your dreams. She made you want to be a better man. She was the only woman who's homemade meals were just as good as your mother's.

Remember him?  He was a lump of nothing but sexy. He made you feel special like no one else could. He was kind, compassionate, ambitious and your parents adored him. The mere mention of his name used to send a tingle up your spine. He treated you like a queen.

The one who got away is a special person. The bond you shared was strong and passionate. You both had it bad. Even when everything else in your world was falling apart, the love you shared brought you comfort. You've compared them to everyone you've dated post-breakup and no one has measured up. If you are ever asked "Which ex would you want a second chance with?" their name is the one you would say without hesitation. Dont think you have one? When you hear this Jagged Edge song, you think of them.


The relationship seemed so great but then it went sour and dried up like a raisin in the sun. Stubborn attitudes got in the way of love and the bond was broken. Whether it ended terribly or you saw them on America's Most Wanted the two of you simply ended up on different paths, it doesnt take long before you realize they are "the one who got away."

We wonder whether the love deserves a second chance. We have photos, letters, souvenirs, and fragments of memory. Idle time is spent thinking about *them* and wondering how life would be if things had worked out. We wonder if they miss us like we miss them. If the old love returns we tend to embrace the butterflies...quickly forgetting the reason the love was ended. Sometimes we decide to work on it. Sometimes we convince ourselves it is ok to let it go and sing songs like this one. 

It’s impossible to know whether the experience was about infatuation, true love, lust, or something else entirely. It is crucial that we understand this: People come into your Life for a Reason, Season or Lifetime. 

Today's lesson: Its OK to miss an old love. Its OK to still love them. True love does not disappear overnight. Past loves are a great indicator of what we are truly looking for. Old love can help us find our way to new love. If you decide to revisit your old love, protect yourself. Forgive but do not forget what caused the rift the first time. Acknowledge the past and learn from it.

"It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." -Samuel Butler

Help me out peeps. What do you do when you realize your past love was the one who got away? Have you ever pursued the one who got away? Have you ever been told you are the one who got away? Share the deets.

    

Posted By Belvedere

I Just Need A Little Romance In My Life!

Aaah.. Lost black love seems to be the theme of this month… no, actually it’s the theme of this year. First there was all of the hoopla surrounding Helena Andrews’ new book and then of course there was Southern Comfort’s post. And, the main inspiration behind this post, was it Essence or maybe Ebony magazine that ran an article discussing the lack of black love stories in the cinemas these days. Tyler Perry movies do not count, his movies are horrible and f*cking ridiculous, he somehow manages to turn great actors into horrific ones, and no one I know acts like his characters . . . but I digress. While the lack of black love stories in the movies these days is likely more a factor of the rough economic times than a factor of a lack of love in the black community, it is still very apparent. Especially to someone like myself, who lives for love stories, white horses, prince charming, and all that stuff. So for nostalgia’s sake today’s post will be a count down of the five best black romantic movies of the 90s and the new millennium (with my favorite scenes from each).


5. The Wood




4. The Brothers


3. The Inkwell

*sorry guys, you'll actually have to visit the site to see this one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=98I50ToSRpI&feature=related

2. Love and Basketball



1. Love Jones



* Honorable mention: Poetic Justice

Everyone, did I miss movies, what are your favorites?

Posted by Bourgeois

Where Is The Love???

I’m hoping that this ain’t too hard to believe,
Cause baby you’re the only one for me.

What happened to the thriving black communities we were raised in, where men and women stuck it out together (at least on surface appearance), while our new generations break up over facebook???

Is BLACK LOVE really so hard to find? After discussing this issue with a few of my girlfriends, I discovered that the answer to this question is YES. I’ll share with you a couple of their reasons as to why BLACK LOVE seems to elude their grasp.

The Call of Duty Sharp Shooter – These are the usual playboys always trying to run game. To them women are like a military mission, “operation booty call”, in which their only goal is to capture the flag (a.k.a. the draws in my Martin Voice). You know the ones ladies, their phones stay on vibrate and password protected, they have multiple facebook profiles, they refuse to allow you access to their email account, they always prefer a night in, and the list goes on. This is until you hit them with the X-Box Red Ring of Death and tell them that their mission has been compromised and that they should exit immediately.

Mr. Twinkle Toes

Guy:  What are you doing?
Girl:   Nothing, thinking about grabbing something to eat.
Guy:  Yea, I’m hungry too.
Girl:   Yea, I need to figure something out.
Guy:   ….Uh uh.

This is the dude that starts off as a good friend. He is professional, focused and has the swagger to match. You exchange emails, texts and a few phone calls, but nothing more. Why you ask…because he’s afraid to make a move. Fear of rejection maybe? Possibly, but if a woman is giving you every indication that she is hungry for your companionship, then why leave her fasting? These are the guys who tag along hoping that something will magically happen, instead of aligning themselves with someone who could possibly be their queen and declaring CHECK MATE.

Mr. A Little Too Late – We’ve all had one of these. The one who we loved more than a fat kid loves cake, but ended up breaking our hearts because he wasn’t ready for a true commitment. These are the guys who realize weeks or maybe even months later, that since they left you their stock has plummeted faster than the Cleveland Cavaliers without Lebron. They usually call or text randomly to gain insight into what’s going on in your life or to tell you how much they miss you and will do anything to get you back. Who wouldn’t want a man to grovel at their feet? But by this time you have already moved on mentally and emotionally. That door has been closed, locked and bolted.

These are just a few examples of why Black Love appears so elusive, but this is definitely a story that is to be continued.

Keep it Real Family…

Posted By: Southern Comfort

Lying in Wait

 Ask any woman you know and she can name a guy (sometimes more than one) that she calls a friend but knows that this man is waiting for that day when they will be more than friends. What’s a girl to do? The options are to tell him “Look it's never gonna happen..so stop with the hints” or “You’re cool but I’m just not attracted to you..in that way” or just stop talking to him all together.

The problem is you have tried all of these in some form or another, with no avail. So then I pose the question again what’s a girl to do? I posed this question to a couple of my male friends and here is what they came up with:

1. Just go with the direct route..sit this dude down and explain that you like being his friend and the reason you have been friends for so long is because he is extremely unattractive.

2. The subtle route...when you're hanging out just mention the type of guys you are attracted to and list exactly why you are attracted to these men.

He also suggested to that you say "thats why me and you will never work..your the opposite of any person I would ever go out with."

3. The sneaky route..telling his friends to help him get a clue because clearly he is oblivious.

Ok..so after the third suggestion i had to stop and make it clear that most women love the friendships they have with these men; and would actually want it to continue.

Then came number 4: That guy already knows that his chances are slim to none, which is evidenced by you dating other guys that aren't him. If you want to keep him around you're just going to have to get use to the fact that he is attracted to you...and you are going to be hard pressed to find a heterosexual man who has a "truly" platonic female friend.

Just keep doing what you're doing he knows you don't want him....He's a man and you can't blame a man for trying and believe me he will keep trying.

So the question then becomes can you even call this guy a friend if he continues to plot on you?

Posted by Straight Shooter

Cheating asses: 8 ways to know you're getting "The Dream" treatment

I'm sure you've all heard of the Christina Milian and Teddy Ruxpin The Dream  split. The announcement had the timing of Octomom's monthly gift since it came only after photos surfaced of Teddy and his assistant-turned new chick-bumping uglies on a beach. Hoodwinked.

Put on your poker face. Screw on your thinking caps. You dont have to use Facebook to investigate. Besides the obvious lipstick on his penis collar or catching her on her knees in the act, here are 8 tale-tell signs that your mate is cheating.

1) “Friends” act more like a spouse. Males and females can be friends. One of my best friends is male. The line is crossed when said friend demands more time alone or when phone calls come at a disrespectful time in the evenings. The friend intentionally invites your mate to events as a "+1" thus excluding you. Captain Obvious says: The "friend" is a jumpoff trying to become a star player.

2) Spending more time away from home. This might mean random overtime at work or spending more time out partying than usual. You will hear claims your S/O has to travel more for business and you start getting more alerts that your boo is going to be out later than expected. This leads to...

3)  Going out while encouraging you to stay in. He has a list of reasons why you should stay in while he heads out to have a good time. He pulls out the big guns: "You dont wanna sweat your hair out." When you plan on going out on the town be weary of petty arguments. Dont get bamboozled. You should be concerned when your S/O goes out and hints that because of (insert reason here) you may not be able to contact him/her for a few hours or until the next morning or for a few days. Bullsh*t on a stick.

4) Starting dumb arguments. These arguments go beyond the normal couple spats. They are about leaving the cap off of the toothpaste. They end with your S/O threatening to break it off or trying to make you feel insecure about the arguments. They are intended to ruin your mood. Your S/O WILL use them as a means to stay apart from you for a few days. Think about it: If you are upset with your S/O it is the perfect opportunity for him/her to take time off from the relationship to spend with another person uninterrupted.

4) You find random condoms. You find condoms in your mate's jeans on laundry day. Birth control is your primary mode of contraception. Thats not Algebra. This warning includes magically disappearing condoms. Keep track of that sh*t. If you find a 12 pack of magnums with only 9 condoms inside, something in the milk aint clean.

5) He/she has the Tiger Woods app. There is no reason for your cell phone to be void of all communications from the past two days. If your spouse does not have any of this info in his/her phone, chances are they have something to hide. 

6) His "fluid" is low. If its been 2 weeks since he parked his car in your garage he should have a pretty sizable amount of "fluid." If its extra low he’s been releasing his milk for other kitties. Nobody has to know you’re looking but you. You won’t die and nobody will think you’re a slutbucket for looking unless you let it get in your eye. A male birdie says you could run him a bath and watch to see whether his gonads sink or float. Empty nads float. Full nads sink. 

7) Their sex drive has decreased. He no longer wants to have sex. She used to want to hump like rabbits. Whatever excuses your mate offers are lies. He's having sex, just not with you. She's found another tree to climb. Their sex drive hasn't gone anywhere, it just doesnt come out around you.

8) "I can't TALK but I can TEXT." You call but there is no answer. Before you can start leaving your voicemail you get a text from your S/O with some lame excuse about low minutes #nsh*t. Pause. They have an unlimited everything plan. Dont brush off your intuition. Your S/O is texting you because the person they are with wont question a text but they will question a phone call.

Today's lesson: When you feel the impulse to “catch” your S/O chances are your suspicions have already been confirmed. What is a relationship if it is not built on a foundation of trust and respect? Trust your gut. God gave us intuition. Don’t ignore it. Take advantage of it.

For my longtime sidepieces #2s, dont let couples like Brad & Angie or Alicia Keys and Swizzy fool you. If the cast, the script and the writers are the same why would you think the movie would end differently? For all of my sidechicks and jumpoffs thinking you wanna take the wife's place remember this: “If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll be married to a man who cheats on his wife.”  -Ann Landers

What say you? What are some of the tale-tell signs that your mate is cheating? What do you do when you realize you are getting "The Dream" treatment?  The carpet is yours...

Posted by Belvedere

How Much is Too Much?

Tonight I want to pose a question to the readers of This Woman’s Work.


A few of my girlfriends have experienced a specific problem, and given that I have no clue how to be in a committed monogamous relationship, I pretty much have no useful advice to give them when they tell me about this problem.

The problem is always some variety of the following hypothetical:

Friend: So my boyfriend’s ex keeps calling and texting, and he’s always very responsive to her, it’s really starting to piss me off.

Me: (sympathetic stare) just explain to him that his constant communication with the ex makes you uncomfortable?

Friend: I already did that, he keeps taking her phone calls and responding to her texts, sometimes he even initiates conversation with her.

Me: explain to him that if he doesn’t limit his communication with his ex that his communication with you will completely end?

I have no clue if I’m giving good advice, and when I’m having these conversations with friends I often wonder if they are over-reacting. After all, it is possible to remain friends with someone after your relationship ends, and I don’t think that being in an exclusive relationship gives anyone the right to control who their partner talks to. At the same time, two people in a relationship owe each other a measure of respect. If certain behavior of one person in the relationship makes the other person feel uncomfortable, a respectful mate would change their behavior.

And constant communication with an ex is somewhat disrespectful to your current mate. However, the line between constant and occasional can be very fine. In my opinion once a week is too much, but once every other week would be fine. The time of day makes a difference as well, it’s ok to talk to your ex anytime between 9am and 10pm. After 10pm is reserved for friends who you haven’t had sex with!

My question to you all is: how much communication with an ex is too much? What forms of communication are acceptable and what is absolutely of limits? What time of day is acceptable? And what exactly do you say to a friend who is uncomfortable with her boyfriend’s communication with an ex?
 
Posted by Bourgeois

Miss In-DEPENDENT

She got her own house
She got her own car
Two jobs work hard
She a bad broad.

Why are we as women so quick to knock a man down for his inadequacies, when at the end of the day we are no good ourselves? Yes, this article will discuss the growing phenomenon that is “No Good Women.” This one is for the fellas.

How many times have you heard your girlfriends talk about how they wouldn’t even give a guy their number, if he didn’t meet the following qualifications: a good job (that requires a college degree), a car (that actually runs, with his name on the title), his own place (a basement apartment in his mama’s house with a private entrance does not qualify), etc. Well, the sad thing is, most of these women don’t even fit their own qualifications. It seems as if these women want a guy that can transform them into Miss Independent, because truth be told, they are dependent.

You know the chicks that claim to be Miss Independent, but stay calling their parents every other week to help them pay their bills. They don’t have a car or if they do they can’t drive it, because they don’t have the money to get it fixed. Or what about the ladies that stay shopping or going on needless online shopping sprees, but when it’s time to do anything worth something, they’re paralyzed broke. And whenever you ask them why they don’t have a job they want to claim they are focusing on school (but its summer boo-boo schools out, on to the next one). The chicks that are more obsessed with updating their lace front collection, than their resume.

It’s not just the monetary aspect that makes these women no good. No one wants a woman who curses like a sailor, club hops every week, is painted in tattoos, and dresses like she is the lead in a groupies 101 movie. What would make this type of woman attractive to anyone?

I’m just saying ladies, before you go judging men, maybe you should take a look in the mirror. A woman more obsessed with social networking sites, than building her own brand is not worth bringing home to mom’s. So ladies, stop focusing on what a man has or doesn’t have and solidify your independence. While it may be true that a good man is hard to fine, please believe me a good woman is not. (I have the BEAUTIFUL ladies of TWW to prove it)

So, like the song says…If you ain’t on, SIT DOWN.

Keep it real family.

Posted by: Southern Comfort

For the Sake of Peace

Listening to my family and friends speak on relationships over the last couple years have given me the idea that relationships are the most complex thing on the planet. Lately, i have been talking to my friends (male and female) about some ways to ensure a relationship runs smoothly. Here are some of the ideas that were thrown around: Some more serious than others.

First, make sure that both people actually want to be in an exclusive relationship. It seems obvious but trust me this concept fails many. Remember this is the first tip for a reason.

Second, relationships are all about meeting the needs of the other person. Not necessarily all the "wants" of your partner; but what they need.

Third, keep other people out of your relationship. Some times you may need to vent but find people who support your relationship and care about your happiness to vent to.

Fourth, understand that your happiness will not always be the focus of your partner and it is ok; people are allowed to be selfish at times.

Fifth, presents (can't go wrong with presents..who doesn't like presents?)

To be continued..this seems to be a never ending conversation

what is on you list? how do you keep your relationship going?



Straight Shooter

Guest Blogger Fridays!!

Answering the tough questions 101 for The Fellas Dummies 

Fellas, from the moment we meet a woman she is evaluating us to determine if we can get the goods if we are a fit partner. Unbeknown to some of us, women are trying to figure out what’s wrong with us which pile to place us in. There are three piles we could possibly land in after a few introductory conversations.

The first and worst is Hell. This is the “I will never EVER-EVER-EVER respond to another one of your text messages or answer one of your calls again!” pile. If you land in this pile, Fellas, bow out gracefully. Save what little face you have left.   

The second is just as damning as “Hell” in my opinion but some fools choose to hold out hope in Purgatory. This is the “I will respond to your text messages and entertain your conversation from time to time but never EVER-EVER-EVER go out or chill with you!” pile. If you land in his pile, Fellas, know when to give up hope, screw the Obama slogan, and cut your losses. You have a better chance of winning the lotto than going out with this woman. Save yourself the torture.

The third and final pile is the Gates of Heaven but don’t confuse activity with accomplishment. However, just because you made it to the gates doesn’t mean you will gain access. From here, with one bad move you can still end up in Hell or in Purgatory. Watch your step but know once at the gate the ball is in your court and if you are like me that is VERY GOOD NEWS.  

On to the Nuts and Bolts

Before you get the chance to whisper the sweet nothings in her ear, melt her with seductive eye contact, give her the belt-to-belt hug to let her know you are 100% Man – You have to be able to answer the tough questions. As I said before, from the jump women are trying to figure out which pile to put us in so pay close attention to the following lecture.

My format will be asking a question commonly asked by women then providing a “Dummie” answer – Hell answer – and a “Kool Kustomer” answer – which leads to the gates of Heaven. Now, let the questioning begin.

Class in Session

Question 1: Do you club often?

Dummie: Yea. My friends homeboys and I go a few times EVERY week. We know all the bouncers and bartenders so we get in free and drink ALL night.

Kool Kustomer: I go from time to time but I try not to go too often. I wouldn’t want to be known as that “Club Guy” so I keep my profile low. Don’t get me wrong. I like to go out but I pursue other venues in addition to going out to clubs.

Question 2: Why don’t you have a girlfriend?

Dummie: I’m just chillin right now but if something happens IT HAPPENS.

Kool Kustomer: At the point in life where I am now, I am very picky that being because my next girlfriend has to have the qualities of my potential wife. I don’t have wedding fever or anything but I am past the point in my life where I have girlfriends for the sake of having girlfriends.

Question 3: What happened with your last relationship?

Dummie: That b**** She was crazy. It was all good at the beginning, but she started tripping.

Kool Kustomer: I loved her but she was ready to take a step in the relationship that I wasn’t ready to take. Though I loved her, I started questioning whether she was the woman I should be with forever. Finally, I broke things off with her when the pressure she was putting on me became too much to bear. We are still great friends. If nothing else, I am glad that I am single so I can get the opportunity to get to know you.

Question 4: Are you gay?

 Dummie: Yea, I am gay. No, I am joking. Of course I am not gay.

 Kool Kustomer: No. I guess in 2010 that is a question you have to ask, huh?

Question 5: Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?

Dummie: Making moves like Diddy. I will be changing the game.

Kool Kustomer: I can see myself with a special lady in my life. I plan to continue to move up where I work. Also, I can see myself working towards an advanced degree at night and possibly some consulting on the side, as well.

Question 6: How would you feel if your woman made more money than you?

Dummie: That would be fine with me. Her money would come to me so I wouldn’t have any issues.

Kool Kustomer: I am not going to be in competition with my significant other. We will be partners and help each other to be better. I will be her biggest cheerleader in all of her success as she will be for me in my success.

Epilogue

The average man isn’t a Dummie, in my opinion, and the average woman doesn’t want a Kool Kustomer. All good things come with balance, they say, but if the objective is to get to the promise land gates of Heaven then why not let Kool Kustomer be your Moses? Thoughts and additional questions? Holla back, Youngin’.

Class Dismissed

*Disclaimer* - The opinions listed are from the author. Results can’t be guaranteed because other factors are in play besides how you answer questions. Including but not limited to looks, vibe, compatibility, smell or lack there of positive smell, teeth or lack there of – which are never to be underestimated.

Answering the tough questions 102 for The Fellas Dummies – Preview

(Questions women ask that piss men off)

Question 1: What are we doing? Define our relationship?

Question 2: Why don’t we talk anymore?

 Question 3: Which [fill in the blank] (dress/shirt/shoes/skirt/sweater/jacket/purse/hat/scarf/poncho) should I wear?

Question 4: Why do you always have to watch the game?

Question 5: Why haven’t you confirmed our relationship on facebook yet?

Guest Blogger Fridays

 

Posted by Kool Kustomer

Beyond "I Love You"

What follows is a conversation between me and him. Relationship length: 5 years.

Me: When we first fell in love you said I love you all the time. Its been 5 years & you have gotten comfortable.
Him: Babe I dont have to tell you I love you all the time. We're beyond that. We're beyond saying I love you. I know you love me and you know I love you. What would saying it change? I dont love you any less just because I dont say it all the time.
Me: C'mon son! You used to call me just to tell me. Now you barely say it. *side eye* Whats up with that?
Him: I show you I love you. I cook and clean when you're too tired even if I'm tired too. If I know you had a long day at work I give you the remote and watch Girlfriends marathons with you. I do our laundry on Saturdays so you can go out and have your *air quotes* me time. If you want something all you have to do is hint that you want it and its yours. I gave you my last piece of pineapple this morning and I REALLY wanted it. I massage your feet even on weeks when you skip your pedicure, yea I notice that LOL. You dont have to question it or hear it because you SEE it everyday. For God's sake, I helped you wash your hair yesterday! Woman have you seen your hair lately? Its to your ass babe! If that aint love then I dont know love.

Pause. Before ya'll swoon in saying "Belvedere give the guy a break" or "Dude is full of it," shut up and listen hear me out. 

Professing your love for someone is a beautiful thing. There's nothing like hearing your significant other say "I love you" for the first time. For a woman to hear her man say it unprompted is like finding a natural video model, the sh*t doesnt happen often. This is especially true when dealing with men who do not express emotions well. When it comes to men and feelings, most fall into one of three categories:

1. Mr. "Context Clues." Men that expect you to know their feelings without them ever putting it into words. They think their actions speak so loud they dont have to put them into words. He might be more comfortable writing the words down on paper, or in a text or IM. When he finally starts expressing his feelings its like the ultimate breakthrough. Its satisfying. All is right with the world.

2. Mr. "Persuasion." He's the opposite of Mr. Context Clues. He is always telling you. He wakes up saying "I love you" and throughout the course of a single day you will hear it more than a dozen times. Saying "I love you" is like second nature to him. Its not as significant because he says it so much. Hell he says it so much its almost like he is trying to convince himself. Sometimes you just wanna say "Damn I get it dude you love me. How many times a day are you gonna say it?"

3. Mr. "Understanding." He is the man in the middle. He says "I love you" just enough for you to appreciate it, but not so much that the words lose their significance. He understands you. Somehow he has found a perfect balance between showing it and saying it when you need to hear it most:
On Saturday mornings when you're in your cleaning sweats, headscarf on, wearing no makeup;
When you've been up for 3 days straight preparing for an exam and you look like an extra from Thriller; and
When you're balled up in the fetal position because mother nature is showing you whose the boss and he's warming up your heating pack.

The man in the intro conversation started out a 1, bounced to 2 progressed to 3 and then created his own category: "Beyond I love you." He showed it constantly, but rarely said it. When he said it I knew he meant it and it was more significant than when he was a 2 but I yearned for him to go back to 3. In case you're wondering, we reached a compromise that made both of us happy.

Today's lesson: No matter where on the spectrum a man falls, its still nice to hear it. Fellas, you can put in overtime QT, lay **Splackavellie level pipe but understand your girl still needs to hear it.

Tell Belvedere how you feel. Is there such a thing as being beyond "I love you"? Is it more important to say the words or display the actions? Is it possible to strike a perfect balance?

The carpet is all yours...

Posted by Belvedere




**A man who possess epic level plumbing abilities. Hint: Click Splackavellie above.

TWW Declares Comment Day!!!

Hello readers...take this day to comment on your favorite TWW posts. We will respond to your comments through out the day..Thanks for the support!!

Rock and a Hard Place

So this time you've decided to put your foot down and move on, because you know you deserve a "REAL MAN"...now the hard part begins. The decision to move on and let go is usually the easiest part of ending a relationship, but actually moving on when your heart can still find reasons to stay poses the greatest difficulty. We here at TWW salute you for your decision and understand how it is to be without the person you love even if you know being apart is best. So here are some tips on how to stick with your decision:

1. End ALL Contact: You may begin thinking of things that only your ex can speak on. All kinds of question's start popping into you head that only your ex can answer...i.e. what is the name of that building next to that statue down town?..never has the name of a building been more important to you; so of course you have to call him because only he knows.

Soon everything is hilarious and only your ex will get the joke so you have to tell him. STOP..this is the time to rely on some of your good friends. I'm sure they could help you with your building question and I'm sure they like to laugh..so put down the phone and share the joke with a friend.

It really is best to give yourself the proper amount of time to prevent getting all caught up again.

2. Respect your Ex: I know this might seem a bit off but let me clarify...you're not the only one going through a break up. Your ex is also going through it, so yes you are trying to let go but some days you just feel like hearing his voice....this is the test of how serious you are about letting go. Understand that you are not the only one trying to let go..so the fact that he is not ramming down your door to see you does not necessarily mean he never cared for you. Constantly calling or mysteriously showing up where you know he will be can be very confusing and annoying.

3. Get Busy: Not necessarily in the sexual sense..although it may seem like the only way to get over someone. When you are in the break-up state of mind the worst decisions are made, not only on the partner but on safe practices. Get a hobby and fight the urge to isolate yourself. Try not to focus only on the break up and your ex. If your focus is only on your ex he will be the only thing your think of and it WILL drive you crazy.

After most relationships you learn things..like what you liked, what you want from your future relationships, what you don't like, and what you won't accept from your partner. Think of your future as a whole; viewing relationships as something that will enhance other aspects of your life. I'm just saying... this may be the time to work on other things in your life.

An aside..break-ups suck but sometimes its easier just to go through the pain than to stunt your personal growth (insert your reason for leaving) by staying in that relationship.

Posted by Straight Shooter