How Much is Too Much?

Tonight I want to pose a question to the readers of This Woman’s Work.


A few of my girlfriends have experienced a specific problem, and given that I have no clue how to be in a committed monogamous relationship, I pretty much have no useful advice to give them when they tell me about this problem.

The problem is always some variety of the following hypothetical:

Friend: So my boyfriend’s ex keeps calling and texting, and he’s always very responsive to her, it’s really starting to piss me off.

Me: (sympathetic stare) just explain to him that his constant communication with the ex makes you uncomfortable?

Friend: I already did that, he keeps taking her phone calls and responding to her texts, sometimes he even initiates conversation with her.

Me: explain to him that if he doesn’t limit his communication with his ex that his communication with you will completely end?

I have no clue if I’m giving good advice, and when I’m having these conversations with friends I often wonder if they are over-reacting. After all, it is possible to remain friends with someone after your relationship ends, and I don’t think that being in an exclusive relationship gives anyone the right to control who their partner talks to. At the same time, two people in a relationship owe each other a measure of respect. If certain behavior of one person in the relationship makes the other person feel uncomfortable, a respectful mate would change their behavior.

And constant communication with an ex is somewhat disrespectful to your current mate. However, the line between constant and occasional can be very fine. In my opinion once a week is too much, but once every other week would be fine. The time of day makes a difference as well, it’s ok to talk to your ex anytime between 9am and 10pm. After 10pm is reserved for friends who you haven’t had sex with!

My question to you all is: how much communication with an ex is too much? What forms of communication are acceptable and what is absolutely of limits? What time of day is acceptable? And what exactly do you say to a friend who is uncomfortable with her boyfriend’s communication with an ex?
 
Posted by Bourgeois