WOMEN are from venus, MEN are from mons venus

This one is for the fellas.  More specifically, this one is for the fellas who consider themselves "straight shooters" but are still somehow misunderstood by women. Although he thinks he is being straightforward and communicating, he could be more wrong. This is a problem since every woman believes she is the best thing since free food and for most women this translates into a belief that she can change a man’s mind.  
 

All is well in Whoville until the man believes he has been completely upfront with a woman and then SHAM WOW she hits him with the flex. Hands on your head. She flexes her power in the relationship by demanding confirmation about where the relationship is going. Its been 2 weeks and she needs answers. He is in shock that she considers what they did after 2am a relationship. He now understands why she knows all the words to “Shawt bus shawty."

The first rule of any form of communication is to understand your audience. You're dealing with a type of human being who raises her hand & rushes to the dance floor when Plies asks Becky to raise her hand because he wants to know who gives good h*ad. We are the people who stuff our feet into uncomfortable sky high heels just because they look and feel sexy. We are the people who get involved in fist fights over a man. We are the people who sew Indian hair to our scalp and say things like "YES this is my hair, I paid for it didn't I?." Lets get down to business and defeat the huns.  Belvedere is here to help the fellas by translating what we really hear when you tell us certain things. Call the DEA. 

He says: I’m not ready for a commitment. I just wanna have a  good time. 
He means: I want the benefits of a relationship without the extra work it takes to maintain one. I want you to "drop your draws" & be DTF on command. I want you to respect my feelings. I want you to fel-aysh me.
She hears: I’m not ready for a commitment RIGHT NOW. I made this decision before I met you. When I see the best of you I will recognize your worth, change my mind & even reject fell-aysh from random heauxxs. 

He says: I’m too busy for a relationship right now.

He means: I choose not to make time for a relationship. You've got 2 minutes. Give me your special...tee.

She hears: I'm busy but when I make time for you it means you're special. When we're together I want you to treasure our time together. Dont speak.

He says: I have a girlfriend but we have a kid together so I’m not happy but I’m not going to leave my kid. Even though we live together I consider myself single. Now lets go get some bbq and get busy. 

He means: My girl is tripping and I want you to slip and fall on my peen. The sooner you can make that happen, the sooner I can stop ignoring my girl's phonecalls. It doesnt take *this* long to get diapers at the store.

She hears: I’m not happy but I’m a real man because I refuse to abandon my child. 

He says: I have a girlfriend but I’m not happy. I haven’t left her yet because I don’t know how.
He means: I have a girlfriend but we had an argument last night so I know she wont drop her draws for at least another week. I’m not completely happy but I’m not going to leave. I have needs. You’re convenient. Now lets go get some bbq and get busy.
She hears: I’m not happy but I’m an honest man because I’m telling you about my girlfriend.

He says: I’m separated.
He means: I’m still married. I’m dare not get a divorce but I’m gonna take full advantage of the dog house my wife put me in. I have needs.
She hears: I’m single.

This is usually the point where I offer some advice about communicating effectively to women or how you can guarantee that you point is not lost in translation. Unfortunately, I dont have any fool proof way to escape it. Namely because I dare not underestimate the innovation of a fool. I'm not Prez Obama so my job is not to give you hope. This is both fortunate and unfortunate. So help me out.

Fellas, what are some things you have told a woman and you wondered how she got it wrong? Ladies, what are some things a man has told you and you took it the wrong way? Whats a goon to a goblin? 

Posted by Belvedere

Guest Blogger Fridays!

"Girls are like apples...the best ones are at the top of the trees. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples that are on the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think there is something wrong with them, when, in reality, they are amazing. They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree..."

— Pete Wentz

Its no secret that men prefer an "easy" woman; a woman they don’t have to work hard to secure. 

Lets be clear about what an easy woman looks like. She is a  woman who accepts "less than" treatment from a man who may or may not "wine and dine her." She is grateful that he shows her off in public and gives her all the finer things in life. Once they become "serious" she does not complain about not being allow to meet his family or attend church services with him. Furthermore, she accepts that his best friends dont even know she exists, let alone that the two are dating. She’s someone that he hooks up with to get his rocks off (if you know what I mean) but doesnt complain when he doesnt call her the next day. It’s beyond me why men pursue this type of woman and why the women refuse to step their game up and do better. 

It’s sad that in 2010 there are women who will still accept less than the "Queen" treatment from a man. Although I can't fathom a reason for this, I have heard women say “A piece of a man is better than no man at all.” What does this really mean? When I think about it, the meaning has nothing to do with a man. It actually refers to a woman who allows a man to treat her like she is a piece of a woman. It could also be interpreted to mean having an unfaithful partner (everyone gets a piece) is better than having no partner at all. That’s the craziest thing I have ever heard. I would rather be alone than take bullshit nonsense from any man. Don't get me wrong, I love men. I love everything about a great and confident man but we all have to face reality. We all have to take responsibility for the state of the dating world in 2010. The same way that there are easy apples on a tree, there are men waiting to pick them. We must all raise our standards so that we can uplift each other. Think about it. If the fellas stop picking the easy apples, then the ladies who were the easy apple before will work to become a medium apple in the middle or a strong apple at the top. If ladies stop being easy apples, then the fellas will have no choice but to approach the best of the best.


I have stopped trying to figure it out; I agree with the quote. Men want something easy and they are not going to climb to the top of the tree to get the better apple, its become obvious that they would rather get something that’s easier than a blue box of Kraft mac n' cheese. I'd like to be a fly on the wall when they realize the apples at the top are worth the work and the only ones worth having. I want to hear from you.  

Do you think this is a true quote? Why is it that men really settle for less? What do you think?

I'm listening.  

Posted by Charlie. 

Guest Blogger Fridays

Letter to my young sistas

My precious young Sistas,


First of all let me say that you are beautiful. I believe in you. I see a bright future ahead of you. I want nothing but the best for you.  I love you.

I'm not sure what is going on with you my sista, but it is time for you to snap back to reality.  It seems like my sistas have reached a state of desperation and it is leading to our devastation. All in the name of having a man.

Are you wondering why married men continue to approach you?
Are you wondering why all the wrong men find themselves in your bed?
Are you wondering why only a certain "type" of man try to date you?
Are you wondering why you cant get past McDonald's even on the 5th date?

The answer to all of the above question is BECAUSE YOU ALLOW IT! Men can only push as far as we allow ourselves to be pushed. They continue to cheat because we stay when they do. We allow them to have a "wife on the side." We allow them to disrespect us both in private and in front of our friends and family. We allow them to approach us wearing wedding bands. We allow them to break us down. We allow them to constantly verbally and physically abuse us. Why else would we allow these things to happen? Dont give me any cowsh*t about how you love him and he loves you. Save the bullsh*t about how he "completes" you. Complete yourself!  What part of YOU do you think God left out when he made you?? When you were born, you were blessed with everything you need to be happy.  He gave us a beautiful gift called a woman's intuition and its sad that more of us dont embrace it.


Instead of focusing on making ourselves happy, this is what we do: 

Prance around thinking we can change a man who doesnt want to be changed.
Dance around thinking we can catch a man who doesnt want to be caught.
Hop around thinking we can commit to a man who doesnt give a rats tail about our well being.
Skip around believing in a man who does not believe in us.
Put him before ourselves. Drop everything we are doing when he calls at 2am and lets be real the sex game is mediocre at best. You know you fake it til you make it. 
Settle because we condition our minds to believe its the best we can do.
Accept roles like "baby mama" instead of wife because we dont want to push him away by asking for a real commitment.

Recognize that men treat the dating game like an African lion treats his hunt on the safari. He lies in wait until the sick & weak antelopes come to the river to drink and then he attacks full throttle. He does not go after the stronger antelopes because they require too much work. The same goes for men. They have a 6th sense to detect the weakest links. This is why they come around in flocks while you are vulnerable and fade to obscurity at your strongest moments.

Understand this: A man who truly loves you will never want to see you cry. He will never want to do anything to hurt you. He will only want to see you happy and will turn to mush at the very thought that you MIGHT start crying. He seeks not to break you but to help you build & grow. Any man who behaves any other way does not love you.

We know better, but we STILL dont do better. Why do we continue to deal with men who give us everything but 100%??
One of Belvedere's friends once said this (with a straight face):

"I really like John but he has a girlfriend. At least he was honest about having a girlfriend. He could have lied to me. So that makes him honest right? I know once he leaves her for me he wont cheat on me me like that"

*blank stare*

Too often we seek love outside when we have not learned to love ourselves on the inside. We look in the mirror and we dont like what we see. Instead of changing ourselves & growing to make "self" feel better, we choose to change to prove to someone else we deserve them. In the end, we are still unhappy with ourselves. The first step to learn to love yourself holistically and unconditionally. Love every mole, freckle, cellulite, funny bone, and fiber of your being. Accept that you are a woman and you are emotional. Accept that you are innately nurturing.

Do NOT accept anyone into your life who does not bring you pure joy.
Do NOT compromise your morals or your health for the sake of having a man. 

My observation is that many of us suffer from low self esteem, but we are not prepared to admit it. Black women are expected to be strong, confident, elegant & supportive. Society is not prepared to deal with the breakdown of America's strongest woman. As a proud black woman I understand what its like. We are expected to be strong in moments of adversity and we dare not complain. We are assumed to be the backbone for so many but we often lack a backbone for ourself. We are more likely to keep each other down & be more critical on each other than we are on our white counterparts.

I encourage all of you to uplift each other. If you see a sista struggling, give her a smile and encouraging words. Sincerely assure her "no matter what you are going through my sista, you will get through this." Black women and black men are extensions of each other. To my black men, understand that we are your sisters, your aunts, your mothers and grandmothers. You too must play a role in uplifting today's black woman.


All my love & blessings,

Belvedere


Your thoughts?

Breaking all the rules

"Hide your kids. Hide your wife. Hide your husbands"

As much as people may front about the single life being so great, the truth is we are creatures meant to connect with others. Put your finger on your chin and ponder these questions: What happens when you run into that person that gives you butterflies? What happens after you exchange numbers? What happens after they finally ask you out? Berry to Mint.

When it comes to dating its ALL a game. If you dont allow Vivica Fox to teach you anything else, allow her to teach you that TWO can play the game. Madden. Aside from that, Belvedere is here to help you win by giving you 6 common dating rules and why you should consider breaking them.

1. Never kiss on the first date. The idea behind this rule is that you do not want to seem too forward. What this rule does not take into account  is the posibility of a strong chemistry on the first date. Belvedere says if the lips are too juicy to pass up, taste them. Pause. Dont go around pouncing on your dates. Let the juices work their magic. If you feel compelled to kiss on the first date, dont ruin it by feeling guilty for breaking this rule.

2. Never have sex on the first date. There is no need to pretend to be virtuous knowing you really arent. This rule only applies if you are looking for a relationship. Women are told things like "girl dont sleep with im on the first date because he will think you're a heauxx." Men are told things like "Dont try to s wleep with her on the first date, she will think all you want is her body." Well whats the rule for people who have already been involuntarily celibate for a year, now Steve Harvey wants them to wait another 90 days!?! There is no need to pretend you want something else when you know what you really want. Belvedere cannot in good conscience tell you to hookup with a stranger on the first date. If sparks fly and chemistry happens on the first date, agree to have a second date.  In the mean time, Facebook them, Google them, and take a cold shower. Although you should not go into a situation afraid to trust, you should keep a watchful eye on your potential bangers & strokers. Give yourself a break before you think with the wrong head.

3. The man always pays for the first date. Belvedere is a Southern Belle so she was raised to believe a gentleman should be allowed to "treat" his lady. The problem is that on the first date, no ties have been made. To my ladies, if you feel compelled to cover the check then do so. I'm not talking about the fake reach. I'm talking about grabbing the check and insisting on covering the tab. It will allow you to show your independence rather than just bragging about it. Fellas, dont take advantage of our independence. While it is fun to go Dutch, its nice to have a man who doesnt mind picking up the check.

4. Always show up late. The idea behind this is to keep your date waiting and allow anticipation to build. I must admit to showing up to my fair share of dates late. I learned my lesson the first time a guy arrived late to our date. It took away from the ambiance and I was disappointed that I couldnt make my grand entrance and wow him away once I showed him how I mastered the Tyra Banks "smile with your eyes." Its not ok to show up late. This is especially true when the person who is on time is forced to sip on her water and shoot the breeze with the waiter who barely speaks English. Time is valuable and it should be respected. This means add an extra half hour to your prepping time if you have too. Be courteous enough to contact your date if you are running behind schedule.

5. Always wait 3 days to call back. The idea behind this dating rule of thumb is to make sure that your new squeeze doesn't think you're desperate to see him/her. Somehow this has become a golden rule.The trick is to accurately guage how well your date really went. If it went really well break the rule and call him/her the next evening. If it didnt go so well wait 24-36 hours to see if they contact you first. If not, take the initiative and send a text or email. The amount of time you wait to call back is not proportionate to how long the relationship lasts, but waiting too long can definitely allow someone else to swoop in for the win.


6. Limit your spending. The idea behind this rule is that you do not want to start off doing something you may not be able to keep up in the long run. You also want to give yourself a chance to find out whether he/she wants you or your wallet. The first few dates should be cheaper and the more serious the relationship becomes the more dough you can drop on dates.

A great rule of thumb is to avoid advice that includes words like "always," "never," "all men," "all women," and any other blanket statements. No 2 relationships will be the same. Following blanket dating advice will only lead to lonely nights in a snuggie. Dont pretend to be something you aren't because pretty soon he/she will meet the real YOU.


Did I miss any dating rules? Do you have any of your own? Have you ever considered breaking them?

The floor is yours...

Posted By Belvedere

Three Homies define "A Woman"

The other day, two homies (read: very good friends) and I were hanging out and exchanging sexual escapade stories when one my homies, who I will call “Homie #1”, asked a question that changed the direction of our conversation.

Homie #1: (Directing his question to me) Bro, out of all the girls you’ve come in contact with up to now; I mean girls you’ve hollered at, girls you’ve talked to, girls you’ve hooked up with, and girls who ended up becoming your girlfriend. Out of all of these girls, how many would you say was a “Woman?”

I sat there for a minute. At first, I wondered why he would change the tune of our conversation from exchanging War Stories to talking about how many “Women” we’ve come in contact with.

You would have to know Homie #1 to understand why he would move such a promising conversation down this particular road.

To give you some background, #1 recently got out of a four-year relationship with a woman he was with since his sophomore year of college. About a year to six months before the break-up, more than likely even before that, #1’s lady had the loud sounds of wedding bells constantly ringing in her ears and let’s just say she was not shy about slipping in “when are we going to take the next step?” whenever there was an opening.

After his lady made an attempt to muscle him into marriage counseling, #1 finally reached his breaking point. He told his lady he would never marry her and there would be no need for them to undergo marriage counseling. Though he didn’t mean to be harsh and he made that statement out of frustration, she never could forgive him and the relationship ultimately slowly imploded.

When #1 officially became single, he quickly began to make up for all the ladies he missed out on during the course of his relationship. However, the joy of bachelorhood lasted only a short time for him. It was quickly replaced by the pain of knowing that he let a good one get away and the uncertainty of not knowing when the next woman of that caliber would present herself.

As I sat and spaced out, #1 realized that I was treating his question rhetorically so he directed his question to Homie #2.

#1: (Directing his question to Homie #2) Bro, out of all the girls you’ve come into contact with, “How many would you say was a “Woman?”

#2: (Responding to #1) Well… What’s your definition of “A Woman?”

#1: A woman is a girl who can make your life better. She enhances your existence.

#2: You remember Keisha*? Keisha* was “A Woman.”

#1: Yea, Keisha* was “A Woman.” I remember when I visited you for Memorial Day weekend and every morning Keisha* cooked breakfast for both of us. Not just you but both of us. You’ve had other girls who would look at me and not even speak first thing in the morning but Keisha* cooked breakfast for the Homie. What happened to Keisha*, Bro?

#2: (Directing a question to me) Kool Kustomer, you never got a chance to meet Keisha*, did you? No, you’ve never met her. (Then he answered #2) Keisha was smart, supportive, and thoughtful. She always did the little things too but, in the end, she was not fine enough. (Directing a question to #1) What’s happened to your lady?

#1: (Responding to #2) Honestly Bro, my lady had been “A Woman” since she was 19. I am sad to say that I wasn’t ready to have the type of woman when she was in my life. But now that I’ve lost her, I realize that my life would be much better if she was still a part of me. (To me) Kool, are you ready to talk yet? You’ve been in deep thought for a while.

Me: (Speaking to both Homies) Honestly, I’ve had a lot of girls try to play the woman role but I didn’t want to take her as my woman for one of two reasons: 1) she was not fine enough and, 2) I wasn’t ready for “A Woman” in my life.



…Epilogue

Other characteristics of “A Woman”

• She has a life of her own. You can join her solar system but you don’t have to be the sun she revolves around.

• She is sexy without being trampy. Lady in the streets, Freak in the bed. Please don’t substitute the nouns.

• She does the little things to show she cares. Also, when she does the little things, she invests in herself and her man. A girl does something then expects payment or something of more value in return.

• She makes her man look good. She increases his stock value.

• She does not take any crap.

• She is Fine Enough. This depends on how the man looks. Yes, I said “A Woman” has to have looks. She has to be Fine Enough. If a man is with you and he believes he can get with a better looking woman than you... Sorry, but nine times out of 10, you won’t be able to keep him from cheating with better looking women or leaving you altogether.

Did I forget anything? What do you think of my characteristics of “A Woman?”

Keisha* is a fictitious name used to protect “A Woman.”

Guest Blogger Fridays

Posted by Kool Kustomer

The Scoop...

Consider this a "State of the blog" address :)

You all have probably noticed the intermittent postings at TWW so I'm here to give you all the scoop. Going forward Belvedere will post on Mondays and Wednesdays and we will have a guest blogger on Fridays. There are no rifts or any issues between myself or the other ladies, blogging is more work than we all anticipated and we all lead busy lives. I really enjoyed blogging on TWW so I volunteered to continue posting. Southern Comfort, Beorgeouis, and Straight Shooter will return every so often to say hello and to post their thoughts.  

If you are interested in becoming a guest blogger, please leave a comment to let me know you are interested. I am looking for males & females who have a perspective on dating that they are willing to share. You may choose to write as a guest blogger once or as often as you like.

On a sidenote: A few people have expressed concerns about our comment system. To leave a comment, click on comments and then point your attention to the bottom where it says "comment as." You may choose to use a gmail account, AIM, LiveJournal, Wordpress, OpenID or you may use "Name/URL." While we encourage you all to comment as whatever name you choose we do ask that you refrain from using deragatory terms in your name. You do not have to use a URL. You may choose to remain anonymous.

LOVE is...

Picture it.

Time: 3:53am.

Scene: 2 heterosexual adults spooning in bed together. The room is pitch black.The male awakens with dry mouth.

Him: "Baby are you asleep?"

Her: zzzzzzzz

Him: *rocks her a little* "Baby I'm thirsty can you fix me a drink of water please?

Her: "Why cant you get it yourself? You know I have to work early."
Him: "I would do it myself but its dark & your ice water tastes way better than mine."
Him: "Please honey bunny. I love you"
Her: "You better be glad I love you or else I wouldnt do this."


We all have our definitions of healthy love. Besides extra ordinary acts of love and actually saying it, there are several ways you can tell if the person you are with loves you. My point is sharper than a yellow #2. Love means different things to different women. Everyone is not great at expressing their feelings so we tend to show them way before we put them into words. What we (read: great women) have in common is that we all do little things to show our love months or even weeks before those 7 letters leave our lips. Here are just a few:


1. She sleeps in the wet spot. The wet spot is the worst part about a lengthy pump & sweat session. Nobody wants to sleep in the wet spot. Nobody. If she realizes the wet spot is on her side of the bed she complains a little but sleeps in it anyway. If her name is Belvedere she will spoon with you until you wake up on the opposite side of the bed wondering how you got there.  Wet spot only he knows.


2. She allows you to play Madden 2011 for 2 days without complaining. She brings you snacks, doesnt walk in front of the tv & brings you dinner on a serving plate in front of the tv. And on the 3rd day the world wept.


3. She fulfills your weird requests. If you like to eat breakfast for dinner, she makes breakfast. If you have different interests, she opens her mind to learning more about your interests. This is under the same umbrella as trying your favorite foods that make her stomach cringe. Peanut butter & banana sandwiches.


4. She volunteers to share stuff with you. This includes toothbrushes, razors, food, and money. She may spend a night at your place and ask to use your toothbrush. I think this one is totally gross but to each his own. She may also start discussions about joint bank accounts, going half/half on groceries or keeping a toothbrush at your place.


5. She doesnt touch your car radio. As much as she wants to switch your ipod with hers and listen to Beyonce, she knows how much Gucci amuses you. She doesnt complain when your bobbing & weaving in rush hour traffic makes her motion sick. She hates Waka Flocka but learns what it means to "Go hard in the mothalovin paint aggin." Gucci is what she now calls her mothalovin aggin.  Waka.

6. Cooks a huge dinner and doesnt eat a thing. She spends hours slaving and sweating over a range & oven to give you a homecooked meal. Great food includes hidden ingredients you wont find in a grocery store: passion & love. Any woman who spends more than 30 minutes and cooks a meal with more than 2 pots has strong feeling for you. Eat the cake. Sidenote: This has nothing to do with an eating disorder (I hope). As any regular cook can attest to, we spend most of our cooking time sampling the food. If its a pretty big meal, its more likely by the time the meal is finished, she will be full from her samples. 


7. She prays with/for you. Women are nurturing and we cant help it. What we can help is who we nurture. Many of us have a belief in a higher power; however, we know better than to "throw" our religion in your face. When we choose to bless our food with you (is this just a southern thing?) or invite you to our church, you're no longer just some dude with her scratches on your back.  


BONUS:  Ladies, if you forget your purse he goes back to get it for you. This is whats called one of the "little things" that matter so much. This is especially important when she is wearing sexy stiletto sandals and the restaurant you chose to take her to has slippery floors. Instead of making her walk across the floor risking a nasty fall, offer to allow her to "sit pretty" while you run back and get it. If you happen to take a nasty fall, think of it as a fall in love. Frankie Lymon.


If your spouse is exhibiting these behaviors, things are getting serious. Its no longer just fun and games. On a more serious note, if your spouse starts to exhibit these behaviors and you know you aren't ready for a serious commitment, communicate that to them. I know women can do crazy things, but you should refrain from playing with our feelings by any means. Hurt women cause major damage. Katrina. When love is done right, its a beautiful thing. It should be embraced and encouraged.


I have this feeling that I left something out. Its one I cant shake. Help me out peeps. What are some of the things you only do for people you love? What are some things you look for someone to do who cares about you? Belvedere is listening.

Posted by Belvedere

WHO can I SUE?

"My girl said I should sue my barber.
She's trippin like my edge aint fresh.
Do you think I can get waves?"

America has become a nation of sue happy people. There are dozens of websites and lawyer referral services that promise to hook up Americans with lawyers who will take their grievances to court. Hotlines are available 24/7 and some offer free consultations regarding whether you have a case worth fighting for. How preposterous has it gotten? People have sued McDonald's for not warning them that the coffee was hot. 


Who does Belvedere want to sue?

I wanna sue the very first boy who handed me a "do you like me yes or no" note. I checked yes and he knew he wasnt ready for a commitment. He missed 2 lunch dates and failed to give me his french fries on Friday. He caused so much emotional anguish I didnt ride my bike for 3 days...and then LeeJohn passed me a note and it was on to the next one.

I wanna sue DISNEY for selling me the dreams of fairy tales & making me believe everyone lives happily ever after. What Disney failed to consider was that people like Alicia Keys & Gabrielle Union will court your man & snatch him up while your relationship is vulnerable. Imagine if Snow White's Prince charming met Superhead on his way to save her with his magical kiss. Snow White would still be sleeping and Prince Charming would be laid out with his kids somewhere in a napkin.

I wanna sue Myspace Tom for allowing his social network to fall off so quickly. It is because of this that Facebook has become regular stomping grounds for coonery and ignant comments. When I signed up for Facebook, it was a place for college students around the country to connect. Then it was opened up to everyone 18 and older. Then it was opened up to EVERYONE. I experience emotional distress caused by logging on to see how Cocoa Itookyourman Jones is upset that Potpurri SmellsLikeStrawberries Brown wont stop playing on her phone.

Who does Southern Comfort want to sue?

I wanna sue the DC METRO for all the back-pay they owe me. No one warned me when I swiped my Smartrip Card at the Greenbelt Station heading to Friendship Heights that it would cost me the equivalent of a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger Value Meal from Wendy’s with a Chocolate Frosty on the side, just going one-way. Someone could have given me a heads up that I would constantly be late for work because some tourist decides to try the metro during rush hour and gets motion sickness causing the trains to be delayed, only to leave me stuck on the one train that doesn’t have AC, next to the person who wants to cough without covering their mouth, while trying to navigate a place to hold on to because Jonathan wants to lean his entire body on the pole while reading his Kindle.

I would also like to sue all HBCU’s for promising me a top of the line education from some of the most prestigious higher learning institutions in the land. What they failed to share was that the majority of the administration is made up of old frat brothas, relatives, and friends of the family, who lack the ability to change, have a good attitude, or answer the simplest of questions. They could have sent a letter or something informing me that I would never receive my financial aid on time; that phone calls, voicemails, and faxes don’t get answered or checked; or that the first person I go to that should be able to help me with my problem will most likely not be able to help me. I’m just saying…I may have at least applied to some other institutions as a back-up.

We're here to give the people what they want. If you could sue anyone who would you sue? Would you join with Belvedere and/or Southern Comfort in their cases?

Posted by Belvedere & Southern Comfort

EPIC FAIL: 5 approaches that will guarantee a "HELL NO"

YOU thought wrong. This aint what you want!

When a man approaches a woman who is a complete stranger its like learning how to Dougie to someone else's beat. Its awkward for everyone involved. The coolest cats can come off like Steve Urkel with pie on his face if their approach is wrong. While I admit women are a versatile and unpredictable people, as a member of said people I am risking my trump card by sharing my knowledge.

Some of it is our fault. We send mixed signals about our moods and its difficult to read our emotions. We say no when we mean yes and we say yes just to get you to shut up. We see spanx & push up bras as tools to get your attention risking your disappointment if we decide to let you see us naked. We say everything is fine when really we are working out our plan to become the next Lorena Bobbit. Blood on the dancefloor. Regardless of what she is thinking or what kind of mood a woman is in, Belvedere is here to tell you 5 situations that will GUARANTEE a hell no from a decent woman. Strap up your vests and straight jackets, bullets and Louie bags are about to fly. Matrix.

1. Follow her (no twitter). This means in the mall, in your car, on a bus, on a train, on a boat or to hell. Dont ever follow a woman into a dark alley while she is walking alone. Dont ever follow a woman in your car while you sit on the passenger side and try to get her number. Do not follow her down the aisles of the grocery store. If she does not seem interested following her will not change her mind. She will think you are creepy. She might call the police and tell them she felt her life was threatened. Charges filed.

2. Jump in her walking path. If you see something about a woman that interests you, it shows a lack of experience and tact  if you must resort to interrupting her path. Not on a train. Not on a boat. Not on a plane. Not in a box. Not on a sidewalk. Not on a bus. Logic: Obviously she is in motion because she has something to do. If she walking, her legs are helping her to get somewhere that ranges from the lavatory to an important meeting. It behooves you not to interrupt her mission. Failure to abide by this rule will result in her elbow meeting your belly and a possible mist of pepper spray. IT wont be pretty.

3. Stand with a group of men outside of a club and yell sexual innuendos. Matter of fact, dont yell anything at her unless its dark and the lights are off. Its best if you stand alone and whisper your compliments. Standing in a group is the worst approach ever. Your success rate will be low even among bottomfeeders. Why? We think you have a bet going and many of us refuse to help you win. Why? Because we dont want to get with you because of some stupid bet. We know its not genuine. Who wants to be the subject of some stupid bet? See generally, The Wood. Don't ask who's is it. Not yours. No mackin. No hangin.

4. Wear Filthy Kicks/skuffed hard bottoms. You can tell a lot about a man from the way he keeps his shoes. If he doesnt bother to keep them clean, it will make us wonder what else you dont keep clean. There are exceptions to this rule, including things like I just stopped by (insert place here) after leaving work and I havent been home to change yet. Never under any circumstances should you wear your Sunday best and finish it off with dirty kicks. We're judging you. Even the Geico caveman knows better. 

5. GRAB/PULL on her. Women are very particular about our personal space. If for any reason you cannot get her attention, you may make the judgment call to move closer. Do not pull her weave hair, grab her elbow or tugg at her hand. If you MUST touch her, a gentle touch to get her attention is all that is required. To strike a perfect balance, softly caress her with your fingertips and then wait to make eye contact. If she stops and smiles you have a chance. If she rolls her eyes and walks away *bullet sound* you've been shot down. Do not pass go. Give me $200.

Please note: I'd be remiss if I didnt acknolwedge how women make exceptions for people like Idris Elba. That brotha could interrupt my path, yell at me outside of a club, pull my hair and violate the rest of the rules and he would STILL get my number. I feel you judging me. His sweetness is the source of my hypocrisy. Either become Idris Elba, play by the rules or get a HELL NO.

Belvedere is a smart cookie but she feels like she missed something. Yes she is speaking of herself in the third person. Kanye. Ladies what approaches guarantee a HELL NO? Fellas what approaches have resulted in a HELL NO? Remember you may choose to post anonymously just in case we know you. Do share....

Posted by Belvedere

Staying In Touch

I’m sure most of us have gone through the experience of getting over an ex. Occasionally, a break up is long over due, and time spent mourning the loss of the relationship is minimal; the desire to stay in touch is non-existent. But often the post break up process is just that: a process. It involves a mix of emotions that fluctuate from minute to minute, one moment you’re glad to be rid of your former mate and excited to go out and party as a single man/woman, the next moment you’re sad and/or lonely. “Staying friends” can often pro long the process. I’ve observed that when exes decide to remain friends, a lot of the expectations that were put in place during the relationship remain after it ends. Thus, comes the inevitable feeling of disappointment each ex-partner feels when their former significant other fails to live up to those expectations. Fails to return phone calls, fails to make time for those coffee/lunch dates set up so that former couples can “catch up.”


However, the pact to remain friends is often inevitable. Most people will advise former partners to end all contact with their exes(often sound advice), but lets be real, most former couples stay in touch or at least try to, especially given that most couples begin their relationships as friends. So then comes the complicated part of staying in touch. Navigating the line between too much contact, so that you’re unable to actually get over the former relationship, and no contact, leading to the loss of a friend. Since I make no claims of being a relationship expert, I’m opening the floor up to the readers of This Woman’s Work. Do you have any guidelines you follow when communicating with an ex after your relationship ends? Have any of you actually adhered to the rule that you must cut all ties to actually move on? How much communication is too much?

 
 
 
posted by
Bourgeois

The Necessity of Cheating

Our society has programmed us to constantly want more. Nothing is ever good enough. First it was the cars that can magically park themselves. Then there were the crackberrys and iwillneverneedtobyanotherphone, because using a laptop or pc has become taboo. And let’s not forget the Snuggie, because I guess it was too much to ask to pull the covers back and grab the remote controller. SMH. There is always someone out there planning, plotting and scheming to create the next best thing. It’s all about convenience. How to get in and out with the least amount of complications.

There is always the necessity to discover new sources and outlets of satisfaction. Due to one’s inability to contain these inner wants many people sustain these needs through infidelity. While we have an excellent relationship at home, we cheat just to “verify” that fact or we cheat to make sure that we got the best product on the market. Belvedere’s article “Interview With a Female Cheater,” showcases that at the end of the day a woman is just as capable as a man to get what she wants when and how she wants it.

After reading Belvedere’s article it caused me to take a moment and ask myself…what is it that people get out of cheating besides their own selfish fulfillment. I even had one of my girlfriends provide me with her 5 rules to remember if you want to be a successful cheater:

1. Don’t cheat in the inner circle.

2. Never get too comfortable.

3. Take time away from cheating, so that he never suspects a thing.

4. Always keep a ni**a, a man, and a backup plan.

5. Make it worthwhile, so if you ever get caught you have no regrets.

But at the end of the day, what did all of this mean? Why Cheat? Why not just be single and free to spread your wings? Why risk the chance of getting caught and causing that “good girl/guy” to turn bad?

But after talking to a close friend, I was given another outlook on the necessity of cheating. It was simply put in the form of a question…

“Does cheating help or hurt, by opening your eyes to what you really have at home?”

Is it possible that cheating can help one realize that there’s no place like home OR could cheating be the straw that breaks the camel’s back by showing you that home is not where the heart is??

I'm all about Black Love...so why risk it all??? I've always lived by the 80-20 Rule. Never sacrifice your 80% at home for 20% in the street. So, what do you think TWW followers...is cheating a necessity??

Sharing is Caring…Keep It Real Family.

Posted By: Southern Comfort

Ventalation Issues?!?

As we all know relationships can be tough, all the drama and heartache can drive you crazy if you don't vent to someone. The problem that many people run into is that they chose the wrong people to vent to, about their relationship issues. Others share information that they should really only share with their partner. I have been someone who shared a lot about my relationship woes, but I quickly learned that some people should not be privy to certain problems. So good people of TWW, here is a a guide to choosing that venting partner and why sharing is not always caring regarding relationships:

Rule # 1: Although you can rely on your family to have your back for any problem you face in life, this protective instinct is precisely why family members are not ideal for venting. Once you share a flaw about your partner to a family member they will hold on to that mess for life and all of a sudden they have a great dislike for your boo. Although it seems nice that they agree that you are right to feel the way you feel at the moment, once you get over and move on from this issue with your boo; your family member most likely won't.
If you see a future with your partner, that goes past boyfriend and girlfriend your gonna have to play catch up in convincing your family that your partner is the one.

Rule # 2: Don't forget that venting about the bad stuff is not the only kind of venting. When you constantly talk to our friends about how trifling your man is and how he never considers your feelings, they will get tired of listening. I know its not just me... but if a person has nothing good to say about their partner, I start to wonder why you continue with the relationship. If every other week you are having a problem within your relationship and you are blowing up my phone to vent, eventually it seems like you're not only wasting your time but you're also wasting mine. I'm just saying...maybe you should at least mix it up and comment on how happy you were that your man picked up the check this week at red lobster.

Rule # 3: When choosing a venting partner stay away from friends who never have a positive thing to say about men. Nothing ruins a perfectly normal relationship quicker than a Bitter Betty whispering in the ear of your partner. It's normal for couples to have disagreements and arguments..but trust that a small argument can be turned into the biggest issue as to why all men are the devil; as told by a bitter friend.
Case in point:
Girl in Relationship: Hey my bf left the milk out last night..ahh that drives me crazy
Friend: Wow I wouldn't put up with that mess... He doesn't respect your money. What he think you got a cow in the back yard? If he had bought that milk trust that it would be refrigerated...you need a real man that will respect that you are a hard working, strong and independent woman.

ummm..yeah
Rule # 4: Stay away from friends who are just a little too positive about your man and not your relationship with that man. If your friend is constantly asking about the negatives about your relationship and can go on and on in conversation about your relationship problems, but has nothing to say when you express how great things are in your relationship that's a problem. A venting partner should be able to show genuine joy for you when things in your relationship are going well and complete understanding when you need to shed a tear or two.

I know I missed a few..share what you think is essential in a venting partner or why and how you chose your venting buddy.

  Posted by Straight Shooter

Where You At?

Okay... picture this:  so you want to have a girls night out and you call up your regular 4 girls, except girl number 3 is in a new relationship and has been MIA. I have been trying to be understanding of my bff and her new found love...BUT how long should I put up with this...ahhh...so here is what I have been thinking:

Why would a friend start disappearing because she has a new man? Shouldn't I be one of the first people to get all the juicy details.  Instead all I get is her voicemail...voicemail people!  I don't appreciate being avoided.  As a friend this is the time where we should be sharing in the excitement.  However, we have started to grow apart because she thinks that I can be placed on the back burner for someone she just met.  Sorry to say this, but he's probably not going to be there in six months.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to block on your new relationship but our relationship should not suffer. So fast forward six months when he's no longer in the picture.  Should I still be in the picture?

Ok to stay on the side of a supportive friend and not a sour puss..let me just say...I understand that when someone is newly in love they want to be around that person..it's natural and whatever...believe me I get it. I have given her what I believe to the appropriate amount of new boo lovin time (2 weeks); but  it's time to reconnect with your friends. What happens when you want vent about this new romance? Who are you going to talk to when you guys have your first fight? or when he starts to get on your last nerve?

 So dear friends, don't alienate your bff's when you meet that special someone...well you can but don't expect them to be there when things go south. 

P.S: I miss my buddy..lets hope she comes up for air soon

So TWW world have you experienced a friend ditching you for a new boo? how did you cope with the separation anxiety?..let me know

Guest Blogger Fridays

- Post Written By Sistren

Dont have a cow! Not when you can get the milk for free!

"Whats that?"
"Its Cambodian breast milk & its for sale"

Disclaimer: No 2 relationships are the same. I do not intend to generalize relationships nor do I claim to provide a cure-all for all relationships. This is no "magic" answer to any issue that plagues our relationships. Like a pole in the basement, Belvedere does this for entertainment. Moving right along...

Why wont he commit? This is a question women have ravaged our brains about since the Geico caveman discovered insurance. 

Well ladies have you ever heard the phrase "Why BUY THE COW when I can get the milk for free"? Or "Why BUY THE COW when the milk is so cheap"? 

There are a few other ways to say it: 

*Why BUY a car, if I can just DRIVE it and put a little gas in it every now and then? 

*Why BUY A CAR if I can drive it around the block a few times and never have to sign any papers to take it home?
*Why buy the whole pig just for a little bit of sausage? (I'm looking at you fellas) 

Regardless of how you move the words around, it all means the same thing. Why should a man choose to make a long term investment in you when he can see the benefits right now? Why enter a monogamous committed relationship when you will continue to have sex with him without it?

We are the cow and the milk represents the benefits you get when the cow is well taken care of. Cows require feed, nurturing, cleaning, protection, seeing her through sick times and special attention. Although I dare not compare a woman to a cow, the way to reap the full benefits of a woman is to feed her ego, nurture her pride, protect her from harm and give her special attention unsolicited-among other things.

Here's the skinny: men do not commit because we do not demand it!  If a man can enjoy all the luxuries of being your "hubby" without a commitment, quality time or monogamy why should he change that? Did she just say that? Yea she just said that.

Allow Belvedere to tell you a few things about FAKE vs REAL men:

FAKE men thrive on the predator-prey relationship. They see women as prey which translates into tactics that focus on the weak and injured. They stay away from strong women and the apples on the top of the tree because they require too much work. Further, because they deal with weak women it is easier for them to control the direction of the relationship.

A REAL man thinks with his ego. He thrives knowing he has a strong woman. He wants a trophy on his arm and he finds satisfaction in knowing he put in work to get her to stay with him.  He may have dabbled in weaker women before but he has realized the power of having a strong woman made to love him. He respects her substance and her opinion and his relationships represent compromise not domination. 

Sidenote: Belvedere is still a young tenderoni but in her lifetime it seems that girls have become so loose. So promiscuous. So easy. So willing to satisfy every man who tells her she is beautiful. So ready to risk AIDS, HIV, syphilis, herpes, and a host of other sexual disease. So willing to put themselves in a position to kill babies in their womb. Whats going on?
Think about it, if he can get in your panties before he knows your favorite color why should he care that you like purple?  If you give it up before he knows about your endeavors with school why the hell should he care that you have a final tomorrow?
Ladies, we have to take responsibility for how we are treated. You cook, clean, swing from chandeliers and do his laundry WITHOUT a commitment. You  sacrifice so much of yourself but still allow him to treat you like a red headed child in a black family: "you dont belong." If you allow such things to happen, you must not get upset when he backs off from your requests for a commitment. Why should he? Dont think for one second that you are "different" and the relationship will go any different because you Michael Jackson bad. Hold yourself accountable for your situation. If you give up the goods before asking for a commitment, you set yourself up for the okie doke. Soap on a rope.

Bottom line: Dont just imply what you want, demand it! If you dont want to have sex before he commits to you then DONT DO IT! If you dont want to move in together and "play house" before you get married then DONT DO IT! Dont just deal with bs because you dont want to be alone. Set your own standards and stick to them. Dont think giving it up will make him stay. If he has decided he doesnt want to stay in the first place, you can freak him all you want but he's gonna walk away. 

Remember, if you carry yourself like a sick antelope, Mufasa is going to come after you. 

Do you think its necessary to live with your spouse before you marry them? Do you think sex is necessary to show your mate how you feel? Belvedere is listening...

 

 

 

 

Posted by Belvedere