Cheating asses: 8 ways to know you're getting "The Dream" treatment

I'm sure you've all heard of the Christina Milian and Teddy Ruxpin The Dream  split. The announcement had the timing of Octomom's monthly gift since it came only after photos surfaced of Teddy and his assistant-turned new chick-bumping uglies on a beach. Hoodwinked.

Put on your poker face. Screw on your thinking caps. You dont have to use Facebook to investigate. Besides the obvious lipstick on his penis collar or catching her on her knees in the act, here are 8 tale-tell signs that your mate is cheating.

1) “Friends” act more like a spouse. Males and females can be friends. One of my best friends is male. The line is crossed when said friend demands more time alone or when phone calls come at a disrespectful time in the evenings. The friend intentionally invites your mate to events as a "+1" thus excluding you. Captain Obvious says: The "friend" is a jumpoff trying to become a star player.

2) Spending more time away from home. This might mean random overtime at work or spending more time out partying than usual. You will hear claims your S/O has to travel more for business and you start getting more alerts that your boo is going to be out later than expected. This leads to...

3)  Going out while encouraging you to stay in. He has a list of reasons why you should stay in while he heads out to have a good time. He pulls out the big guns: "You dont wanna sweat your hair out." When you plan on going out on the town be weary of petty arguments. Dont get bamboozled. You should be concerned when your S/O goes out and hints that because of (insert reason here) you may not be able to contact him/her for a few hours or until the next morning or for a few days. Bullsh*t on a stick.

4) Starting dumb arguments. These arguments go beyond the normal couple spats. They are about leaving the cap off of the toothpaste. They end with your S/O threatening to break it off or trying to make you feel insecure about the arguments. They are intended to ruin your mood. Your S/O WILL use them as a means to stay apart from you for a few days. Think about it: If you are upset with your S/O it is the perfect opportunity for him/her to take time off from the relationship to spend with another person uninterrupted.

4) You find random condoms. You find condoms in your mate's jeans on laundry day. Birth control is your primary mode of contraception. Thats not Algebra. This warning includes magically disappearing condoms. Keep track of that sh*t. If you find a 12 pack of magnums with only 9 condoms inside, something in the milk aint clean.

5) He/she has the Tiger Woods app. There is no reason for your cell phone to be void of all communications from the past two days. If your spouse does not have any of this info in his/her phone, chances are they have something to hide. 

6) His "fluid" is low. If its been 2 weeks since he parked his car in your garage he should have a pretty sizable amount of "fluid." If its extra low he’s been releasing his milk for other kitties. Nobody has to know you’re looking but you. You won’t die and nobody will think you’re a slutbucket for looking unless you let it get in your eye. A male birdie says you could run him a bath and watch to see whether his gonads sink or float. Empty nads float. Full nads sink. 

7) Their sex drive has decreased. He no longer wants to have sex. She used to want to hump like rabbits. Whatever excuses your mate offers are lies. He's having sex, just not with you. She's found another tree to climb. Their sex drive hasn't gone anywhere, it just doesnt come out around you.

8) "I can't TALK but I can TEXT." You call but there is no answer. Before you can start leaving your voicemail you get a text from your S/O with some lame excuse about low minutes #nsh*t. Pause. They have an unlimited everything plan. Dont brush off your intuition. Your S/O is texting you because the person they are with wont question a text but they will question a phone call.

Today's lesson: When you feel the impulse to “catch” your S/O chances are your suspicions have already been confirmed. What is a relationship if it is not built on a foundation of trust and respect? Trust your gut. God gave us intuition. Don’t ignore it. Take advantage of it.

For my longtime sidepieces #2s, dont let couples like Brad & Angie or Alicia Keys and Swizzy fool you. If the cast, the script and the writers are the same why would you think the movie would end differently? For all of my sidechicks and jumpoffs thinking you wanna take the wife's place remember this: “If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll be married to a man who cheats on his wife.”  -Ann Landers

What say you? What are some of the tale-tell signs that your mate is cheating? What do you do when you realize you are getting "The Dream" treatment?  The carpet is yours...

Posted by Belvedere