EPIC FAIL: 5 approaches that will guarantee a "HELL NO"

YOU thought wrong. This aint what you want!

When a man approaches a woman who is a complete stranger its like learning how to Dougie to someone else's beat. Its awkward for everyone involved. The coolest cats can come off like Steve Urkel with pie on his face if their approach is wrong. While I admit women are a versatile and unpredictable people, as a member of said people I am risking my trump card by sharing my knowledge.

Some of it is our fault. We send mixed signals about our moods and its difficult to read our emotions. We say no when we mean yes and we say yes just to get you to shut up. We see spanx & push up bras as tools to get your attention risking your disappointment if we decide to let you see us naked. We say everything is fine when really we are working out our plan to become the next Lorena Bobbit. Blood on the dancefloor. Regardless of what she is thinking or what kind of mood a woman is in, Belvedere is here to tell you 5 situations that will GUARANTEE a hell no from a decent woman. Strap up your vests and straight jackets, bullets and Louie bags are about to fly. Matrix.

1. Follow her (no twitter). This means in the mall, in your car, on a bus, on a train, on a boat or to hell. Dont ever follow a woman into a dark alley while she is walking alone. Dont ever follow a woman in your car while you sit on the passenger side and try to get her number. Do not follow her down the aisles of the grocery store. If she does not seem interested following her will not change her mind. She will think you are creepy. She might call the police and tell them she felt her life was threatened. Charges filed.

2. Jump in her walking path. If you see something about a woman that interests you, it shows a lack of experience and tact  if you must resort to interrupting her path. Not on a train. Not on a boat. Not on a plane. Not in a box. Not on a sidewalk. Not on a bus. Logic: Obviously she is in motion because she has something to do. If she walking, her legs are helping her to get somewhere that ranges from the lavatory to an important meeting. It behooves you not to interrupt her mission. Failure to abide by this rule will result in her elbow meeting your belly and a possible mist of pepper spray. IT wont be pretty.

3. Stand with a group of men outside of a club and yell sexual innuendos. Matter of fact, dont yell anything at her unless its dark and the lights are off. Its best if you stand alone and whisper your compliments. Standing in a group is the worst approach ever. Your success rate will be low even among bottomfeeders. Why? We think you have a bet going and many of us refuse to help you win. Why? Because we dont want to get with you because of some stupid bet. We know its not genuine. Who wants to be the subject of some stupid bet? See generally, The Wood. Don't ask who's is it. Not yours. No mackin. No hangin.

4. Wear Filthy Kicks/skuffed hard bottoms. You can tell a lot about a man from the way he keeps his shoes. If he doesnt bother to keep them clean, it will make us wonder what else you dont keep clean. There are exceptions to this rule, including things like I just stopped by (insert place here) after leaving work and I havent been home to change yet. Never under any circumstances should you wear your Sunday best and finish it off with dirty kicks. We're judging you. Even the Geico caveman knows better. 

5. GRAB/PULL on her. Women are very particular about our personal space. If for any reason you cannot get her attention, you may make the judgment call to move closer. Do not pull her weave hair, grab her elbow or tugg at her hand. If you MUST touch her, a gentle touch to get her attention is all that is required. To strike a perfect balance, softly caress her with your fingertips and then wait to make eye contact. If she stops and smiles you have a chance. If she rolls her eyes and walks away *bullet sound* you've been shot down. Do not pass go. Give me $200.

Please note: I'd be remiss if I didnt acknolwedge how women make exceptions for people like Idris Elba. That brotha could interrupt my path, yell at me outside of a club, pull my hair and violate the rest of the rules and he would STILL get my number. I feel you judging me. His sweetness is the source of my hypocrisy. Either become Idris Elba, play by the rules or get a HELL NO.

Belvedere is a smart cookie but she feels like she missed something. Yes she is speaking of herself in the third person. Kanye. Ladies what approaches guarantee a HELL NO? Fellas what approaches have resulted in a HELL NO? Remember you may choose to post anonymously just in case we know you. Do share....

Posted by Belvedere