Letter to my young sistas

My precious young Sistas,


First of all let me say that you are beautiful. I believe in you. I see a bright future ahead of you. I want nothing but the best for you.  I love you.

I'm not sure what is going on with you my sista, but it is time for you to snap back to reality.  It seems like my sistas have reached a state of desperation and it is leading to our devastation. All in the name of having a man.

Are you wondering why married men continue to approach you?
Are you wondering why all the wrong men find themselves in your bed?
Are you wondering why only a certain "type" of man try to date you?
Are you wondering why you cant get past McDonald's even on the 5th date?

The answer to all of the above question is BECAUSE YOU ALLOW IT! Men can only push as far as we allow ourselves to be pushed. They continue to cheat because we stay when they do. We allow them to have a "wife on the side." We allow them to disrespect us both in private and in front of our friends and family. We allow them to approach us wearing wedding bands. We allow them to break us down. We allow them to constantly verbally and physically abuse us. Why else would we allow these things to happen? Dont give me any cowsh*t about how you love him and he loves you. Save the bullsh*t about how he "completes" you. Complete yourself!  What part of YOU do you think God left out when he made you?? When you were born, you were blessed with everything you need to be happy.  He gave us a beautiful gift called a woman's intuition and its sad that more of us dont embrace it.


Instead of focusing on making ourselves happy, this is what we do: 

Prance around thinking we can change a man who doesnt want to be changed.
Dance around thinking we can catch a man who doesnt want to be caught.
Hop around thinking we can commit to a man who doesnt give a rats tail about our well being.
Skip around believing in a man who does not believe in us.
Put him before ourselves. Drop everything we are doing when he calls at 2am and lets be real the sex game is mediocre at best. You know you fake it til you make it. 
Settle because we condition our minds to believe its the best we can do.
Accept roles like "baby mama" instead of wife because we dont want to push him away by asking for a real commitment.

Recognize that men treat the dating game like an African lion treats his hunt on the safari. He lies in wait until the sick & weak antelopes come to the river to drink and then he attacks full throttle. He does not go after the stronger antelopes because they require too much work. The same goes for men. They have a 6th sense to detect the weakest links. This is why they come around in flocks while you are vulnerable and fade to obscurity at your strongest moments.

Understand this: A man who truly loves you will never want to see you cry. He will never want to do anything to hurt you. He will only want to see you happy and will turn to mush at the very thought that you MIGHT start crying. He seeks not to break you but to help you build & grow. Any man who behaves any other way does not love you.

We know better, but we STILL dont do better. Why do we continue to deal with men who give us everything but 100%??
One of Belvedere's friends once said this (with a straight face):

"I really like John but he has a girlfriend. At least he was honest about having a girlfriend. He could have lied to me. So that makes him honest right? I know once he leaves her for me he wont cheat on me me like that"

*blank stare*

Too often we seek love outside when we have not learned to love ourselves on the inside. We look in the mirror and we dont like what we see. Instead of changing ourselves & growing to make "self" feel better, we choose to change to prove to someone else we deserve them. In the end, we are still unhappy with ourselves. The first step to learn to love yourself holistically and unconditionally. Love every mole, freckle, cellulite, funny bone, and fiber of your being. Accept that you are a woman and you are emotional. Accept that you are innately nurturing.

Do NOT accept anyone into your life who does not bring you pure joy.
Do NOT compromise your morals or your health for the sake of having a man. 

My observation is that many of us suffer from low self esteem, but we are not prepared to admit it. Black women are expected to be strong, confident, elegant & supportive. Society is not prepared to deal with the breakdown of America's strongest woman. As a proud black woman I understand what its like. We are expected to be strong in moments of adversity and we dare not complain. We are assumed to be the backbone for so many but we often lack a backbone for ourself. We are more likely to keep each other down & be more critical on each other than we are on our white counterparts.

I encourage all of you to uplift each other. If you see a sista struggling, give her a smile and encouraging words. Sincerely assure her "no matter what you are going through my sista, you will get through this." Black women and black men are extensions of each other. To my black men, understand that we are your sisters, your aunts, your mothers and grandmothers. You too must play a role in uplifting today's black woman.


All my love & blessings,

Belvedere


Your thoughts?

Interview With a Female Cheater Volume 1 Chapter 2

Editors Note: TWW decided to forgo Guest Blogger Fridays in favor of posting Chapter 2 of our interview with a female cheater. Moving on...

Before you read the remainder of the interview, check out Volume 1 Chapter 1 first. 

Belvedere: How long did it last?

Pink Panther: 8 months.

Belvedere: 8-6=2. So you mean to tell me you managed to stop having sex with your boyfriend, who you were living with, for two months and he thought that was ok? *side eye*

Pink Panther: We were still intimate for the first 6 months of the affair but yea for the last 2 months I convinced my bf I wasnt in the mood. I felt like he knew but he didnt know how to approach me about it. He later told me I was the first woman who ever cheated on him. Thats one hell of a first huh?

Belvedere: Did Marcus have a girlfriend or someone else?
Pink Panther: He didnt. It made things a little less complicated. 

Belvedere: Would you have started the affair if he had a girl?
Pink Panther: Heck NO! I stay away from men with girlfriends. Women are crazy for their men. 

Belvedere: Were you afraid of getting caught?
Pink Panther: I didnt consider it because I thought I was too smart to get caught. I thought about all the things people do to catch their mate cheating and I covered my tracks: Marcus was saved as Marsha in my phone; if he needed to call me while at home, his sister called first; I kept up our date nights and all that stuff. I was an actress and if my life were the Truman show I'd get an Oscar! *laughs*

Belvedere: Why did it end?

Pink Panther: The novelty of it wore off. It became too much work. Too much lying and sneaking around. I started to feel dirty. I was paranoid about who knew. I was scared my bf would find out from someone else. I was petrified of coming home one day and he had found out. I wasn’t emotionally involved anymore because I felt so guilty.

Belvedere: How did it end?
Pink Panther: I ended it. I switched jobs. I met with him one last time and broke ties. I also changed my number & convinced my boyfriend we should move. I found a good deal on a new apartment but the reality was I was afraid someone might show up to our apartment while I was away and tell my bf. We lived in a gated community but we all know there is a way around even the best security gates. 

Belvedere: Do you think Marcus loved you?

Pink Panther: Yes. People might say I'm stupid to think he had feelings for me knowing I had a man at home, but at the time I truly believed he cared for me. Our relationship (if you wanna call it that) was not just a sexual connection, it was emotional. We could sit for hours without saying a word and I would leave feeling like I had just left a therapy session. Sometimes I just wanted to sit and listen to his heart beat. Towards the end he pressured me to leave my boo but I resisted. I think there was love between us. A forbidden love. If I saw him today I think I would still get butterflies.

Belvedere: Did your boo ever find out? 

Pink Panther: Like I said before, I think to a certain extent he knew already. I couldn’t continue our relationship knowing what I had done so I went to him one day and confessed. I wanted him to decide whether he wanted to go on. My speech started like those people on Maury "You know I love you right?..."

Belvedere: Say it aint so! He must have been heartbroken!

Pink Panther: He was. I had known this man half my life and I had never seen him cry. That night he cried like a baby. He kept asking was it because of something he did wrong. Like that "maybe I deserve song" ya know? He said he could forgive me so we tried to work it out. We ended it because I couldnt forgive myself. I couldn’t be intimate with him anymore. I will never forget his words "I was a good n**ga to you and you lied to me. I don’t think I can ever trust another female again. Congratulations, you just messed it up for every woman after you!" That crushed me. We ended it once our lease on our new spot was up.

Belvedere: Are you afraid of how people will judge you? 

Pink Panther: I used to worry so much about what people think about me. Now I don’t care. I was young. I made mistakes. Now I've been on both sides of an affair and I pray karma is done with me. I'm not ashamed of anything I've done. I've since told all my girlfriends about the affair.

Belvedere: If you could describe your experience in one word...
Pink Panther: STRESSFUL!

Belvedere: What advice do you have for women who are cheating or are considering having an affair?

Pink Panther: I would tell them not to do it. If I had the chance to do it all again I'm not sure if I would do it over. I learned a lot about myself through the affair-lessons I might not have known otherwise. BUT I also hurt a lot of people along the way. Everyday I have to live with the fact that I ruined a great black man because of my selfish ways. Now every woman he dates after me will experience heartbreak. I wouldnt wish that on my worst enemy.

There you have it folks!

What does Belvedere think? People cheat because there is someone there to cheat with them. Read between those lines. 

The Pink Panther will be online from 12pm-5pm TODAY ONLY as "Pink Panther" to answer any questions and respond to any comments you may choose to share.  Seize the opportunity to ask questions you've always wanted to ask! Tell a friend! 

Again I ask, how do you feel about a female who cheats? Is it "different" because of double standards or is a cheating woman just as low down as a cheating man? Tell Belvedere how you feel... 

Posted by Belvedere

Interview with a female cheater Volume 1 Chapter 1

Editor's note: Since life happened for my fellow bloggers, Belvedere is taking over TWW for the rest of the week. 

We hear so much about the male side of cheating but we don’t hear often enough about why women cheat. We tend to be a little better at it than men and we tend to have different reasons for cheating that include such things as emotional support & filling a void not occupied by her own spouse. 

Since This Woman's Work is all about dating from a woman's perspective, Belvedere recently interviewed a female cheater, read below for what she had to say.

  

Belvedere: I guess the obvious question on everyone's mind is why did you cheat?

Pink Panther: I thought about this question so many times and there is but one answer that has satisfied me: I was selfish. Everyone who cheats is selfish. I wasn’t happy but instead of walking away, I wanted to have my cake and eat it too. In my case, I had 2 whole cakes and I wanted them all to myself. I was selfish. Plain and simple.

Belvedere: How did the affair begin? Who initiated it?

Pink Panther: We worked together. I cant deny how attractive I thought he was. One day we were assigned to the same workgroup so I had to talk to him. Our group went to lunch together that same day and we hit it off then. We started just going to lunch together and then hanging out after work. Then we started talking on the phone and I started sneaking out. I wouldn’t say one person pushed it more, I think it came from us just enjoying each other's company.

Belvedere: I'm assuming it became sexual so tell me how long it took for ya'll to start humping like rabbits?

Pink Panther: At first I went to Marcus for emotional support. He was there for me to listen when my man wasn't. My guy was working two jobs at the time and he was under a lot of stress. Our relationship was vulnerable. His demeanor changed and he wasn’t as attentive as he used to be. Immature I know. Over time my friends and I had kinda grown apart so I really didn’t have any other people to confide in who I could trust. You know how sometimes you have things to say that you don’t even want your family to know? [Pause] It was like that.  About 6 months passed before we had sex. We "met" at least 3x a week.

Belvedere: Was it "good"?

Pink Panther: Ooooh girl it was amazing. His stamina and his girth are up there with Mr. Marcus. That’s what I called him. Marcus definitely made my toes curl every single time. Not that my guy wasn’t great, but he wasn’t Mr. Marcus in the bedroom either.

Belvedere: Were you worried that it would become a one night stand?

Pink Panther: Not really because we had become great friends and we worked together so I knew more opportunities would present themselves. Once we had our first sexual encounter, I stopped having sex with my boyfriend. Marcus & I always used protection, but the thought of having sex with 2 men just felt like it would make it a reality to me.  I always had excuses like I was tired or I had a headache or I didn’t feel like it. He pretended to understand but I think he knew. That made me feel terrible. But not terrible enough to stop. 

Belvedere: Tell me one of the lies you told to get out with Marcus.
Pink Panther:  He wanted to see me on a Saturday afternoon. My boo and I were off that day so we had to get creative. We told his sister to call me at 3pm and I made sure I was in the shower so I could tell my bf to answer my phone. His sister (my new best friend) called claiming she was stranded 30 minutes outside of town. I threw a fake silent fit that only my boo could see. She delivered her lines perfectly. Through him, she told me she was desperate and that no one else answered but she had to pick up her daughter before the daycare charged her late fees. That meant I had to leave immediately. She went on to beg me to come get her. I knew he would feel sorry for her so he recommended that I go and talk to him on my way there. I pretended I arrived to the daycare and told him I would call him back. We finished off the first round & I called my bf an hour later and told him I agreed to take her to Super Wal-Mart.  That got us more time for another round.

Belvedere: You had it all planned out huh?

Pink Panther: You don’t know the half of it. All of our stories were focused on maximizing the amount of time I could get away. When I got home 5 hours later with no groceries in tow I immediately started a rant about being sick of people using me. Instead of questioning where I had been he agreed with me. It was raining so that gave me an excuse to take a shower  as soon as I got home.  There was also a time when we went to a play together. I was in sweats so he bought a whole ensemble for me down to the shoes & fresh undies. His sister did my hair real fancy & I just messed it up & changed back into my sweats before I went home.

Belvedere: Juicy! Did you share your stories with your friends?

Pink Panther: I know this sounds crazy but I didn’t. As much fun as he and I had together, at the end of the day I felt shameful. I was mistreating a man whom I know loved & cared for me deeply but I just wasn't happy. I never let Marcus meet any of my friends but he introduced me to his family including his mother & father. When I felt like I couldn’t tell my friends, I grew ashamed of myself. I felt like a common whore. I started to try to find things wrong with Marcus. I felt stupid and I knew my girlfriends would tell me how good I had it at home. It was true. I had a great man at home and I was throwing it all away on a dumb fling.  I thought knowing about the affair would change their opinion of me and I didn’t want that to happen.

 Interlude.

Men lie. Women lie. 

Tune in tomorrow for Chapter 2. 

How do you all feel about female's who cheat? Are they any different from males who do the same thing? Are women really better at cheating than men? Do you know someone like Pink Panther? Give it to me straight.

Posted by Belvedere

The One Who Got Away

"He was supposed to be my husband."

"She was supposed to be my wife."

Remember her? She was sweeter than honey with a bit of an edge. She was the most beautiful person you've ever seen. A certified beauty with her own unique style. She encouraged you to follow your dreams. She made you want to be a better man. She was the only woman who's homemade meals were just as good as your mother's.

Remember him?  He was a lump of nothing but sexy. He made you feel special like no one else could. He was kind, compassionate, ambitious and your parents adored him. The mere mention of his name used to send a tingle up your spine. He treated you like a queen.

The one who got away is a special person. The bond you shared was strong and passionate. You both had it bad. Even when everything else in your world was falling apart, the love you shared brought you comfort. You've compared them to everyone you've dated post-breakup and no one has measured up. If you are ever asked "Which ex would you want a second chance with?" their name is the one you would say without hesitation. Dont think you have one? When you hear this Jagged Edge song, you think of them.


The relationship seemed so great but then it went sour and dried up like a raisin in the sun. Stubborn attitudes got in the way of love and the bond was broken. Whether it ended terribly or you saw them on America's Most Wanted the two of you simply ended up on different paths, it doesnt take long before you realize they are "the one who got away."

We wonder whether the love deserves a second chance. We have photos, letters, souvenirs, and fragments of memory. Idle time is spent thinking about *them* and wondering how life would be if things had worked out. We wonder if they miss us like we miss them. If the old love returns we tend to embrace the butterflies...quickly forgetting the reason the love was ended. Sometimes we decide to work on it. Sometimes we convince ourselves it is ok to let it go and sing songs like this one. 

It’s impossible to know whether the experience was about infatuation, true love, lust, or something else entirely. It is crucial that we understand this: People come into your Life for a Reason, Season or Lifetime. 

Today's lesson: Its OK to miss an old love. Its OK to still love them. True love does not disappear overnight. Past loves are a great indicator of what we are truly looking for. Old love can help us find our way to new love. If you decide to revisit your old love, protect yourself. Forgive but do not forget what caused the rift the first time. Acknowledge the past and learn from it.

"It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." -Samuel Butler

Help me out peeps. What do you do when you realize your past love was the one who got away? Have you ever pursued the one who got away? Have you ever been told you are the one who got away? Share the deets.

    

Posted By Belvedere